Adam & Eve sans Fig Leaves

Adam and Eve, Sans Fig Leaves

OR 

​That Time I Accidentally Booked a Nudist Resort in Jamaica

Soooo - quick re-cap:  My husband and I came home after 5 nights at an Au Naturel Resort. It was not my intention to vacation nude, but once my mistake was realized we decided to still go with it. So, we basically just spent the last week running around butt a$$ neked in paradise underneath the Full Moon. And it was awesome. Apparently we're all about that life. Who knew?! 

Disclaimer:  Im going to be talking blunt, direct, NAKIENESS and perhaps taboo things - so if thats not your cuppa or you are easily offended, I suggest you just navigate away now.

So the question is HOW exactly did we end up at a Nudist Resort???  Well, Im going to be transparent with you.... well, vaguely transparent with you... Opaque.  Im going to be rather Opaque with you:  We were/are going through some heavy sh*t within our relationship dynamic, AND THEN we each had some completely unrelated REALLY heavy 'personal'/individual sh*t slam down on us that compounded it all.  Like, you know its HEAVY heavy when even the THERAPIST, who has certainly seen their fair share of heavy stuff, gasps an audible "OH.My.GOD" in response to detailing the circumstances.  

So, if ya'll wouldnt mind saying a few extra prayers for us?  Particularly discernment - for my husband to make the best choices that align for his highest personal greatest good, and for my discernment of when to offer Grace and when to flip them tables - cuz boy oh boy I sure wanna flip 'em.

So, like any individual under an EXTREME amount of stress I did the super responsible thing [insert sarcasm] and scraped up the last of my money from my Rona Bonus and made the wildly impulsive decision to go on an All Inclusive Vacation.  I found availability at a place that checked the very few boxes I needed (all inclusive adults only in Negril Jamaica available 12/16 - 12/21 at XYZ price point) and I booked it quick and I booked it fast aaaaaaaand I did it without doing my up-to-date research.

Now, mind you, Ive been going to Jamaica for 18 years and last I checked (5 years ago) this resort only offered a nude BEACH.  But apparently about 5 years ago the entire place was under construction and they rebuilt it into a Mega Resort - its basically 3 resorts all on one property. 

The Royalton - offers fun for everyone and is considered a family resort - children and adults alike

The Hideaway - an ADULTS only section of the resort.  If you stay here you have access to both the adults only section as well as the family section

The Grand Lido - an AU NATUREL resort where nudity abounds and is expected.  If you stay here you have access to ALL parts of the mega resort.

Soooo I gleefully share with my husband what I had put together and not long after he pointed out to me what I done did. 

Hubs:  So, you booked a nudist resort?
Me: What?! NO. It has a nude beach.
Hubs: Hmm. No, no it looks like a nudist resort.  I mean, it says right there "Au Naturel"
Me: [trying to push down my growing internal concern]: ....Yea, Au Naturel BEACH. 

So, then I get back on the website and re-read the description and sure MAYBE its a nudist resort, but its definitely not CLEARLY nakie ONLY.  Based on the description I'm still not ENTIRELY convinced (and perhaps was just in a lot of denial and clearly have LOTS of OTHER things on my mind).

​...and then I noticed that no one was wearing clothes in the stock photos

So, with my head hung I had to report back to my husband:

Me:  So...hey... looks like youre absolutely right.  I got the full-on insurance though and I can re-book it.  Im sure its a non-issue.

Hubs: Nope.  You signed us up for this and we're doing it.

We figured theres whole other clothing required sections of the resort and we could just sleep in our room and utilize the facilities every where else and it would basically be a normal run-of-the-mill all inclusive experience.
 
SO - thats the story of HOW we ended up here 'accidentally'.

And now for the good stuff:  Adventures and Hilarious stories of Two Newbies Experience at a Naturist Resort

Where do I even begin?!

I suppose I'll start with check-in.  We arrived at the Hideaway location to check in, where we were golf-carted to our Private Check-In at the Grand Lido side, all the while given a brief tour of the property.  Now, mind you, we started drinking the moment we were through customs and immigration.  We signed up for "Club MoBay" which offered an expedited experience through customs/immigration and they offer a lounge at the airport to wait in while your transfer to the resort arrived where they offered food and DRINK at no additional cost.  Then our transfer guide/driver ALSO brought drinks for us (because you can have open beer in the vehicles in Jamaica) AND they offer Welcome Cocktails as soon as you arrive at the property.  Mind you, we are NOT DRINKERS.  Like, we will drink on the 4th of July, maybe a few beers, and thats pretty much it.  I can probably count on 1 hand (combined for the both of us) the amount of times we had hard liquer in the 8 years we've been together.  So with all the rum punch and unidentified welcome cocktails AND beer we were already 3 sheets to the wind and didnt quite retain any of the Tour Information or Property Layout.

It all really became real as while we were in the our lobby getting checked in, a FULLY NUDE NEKED ASS MAN just casually walked by

So we pick our room (apparently they had TWO reservations for me so I had two different rooms assigned - still not sure what that was all about) and get settled in.

They give us our room key - which is actually a BRACELET.   Because, where else do you put a room key when you DONT HAVE ANY POCKETS?! 

By this time after a looooong day of travel its late and dark and pretty quiet on the property.  We peered over our balcony to the pool area and saw that no one was there and so we figured, "Hey, no ones around.  Lets go get in the hot tub...NEKED"  This would be a great opportunity to get our toes wet, so to speak, and kind of acclimate to the environment in a less intimidating manner.  We werent quite ready to roam the halls in the buff, so we stripped down and covered with our towels and ventured back down to the lobby to find the pool area.

Remember:  We are STILL DRUNK and UNFAMILIAR with the lay of the land.  So we walk out the lobby doors and unbeknownst to us apparently thats the line where the clothing is no longer "optional", but required.  We moseyed on up the the Hostess of the Open Air Restaurant, who as we approached tried so hard to maintain her professional composure, but was clearly holding back childish giggles of amusement.

Hubs: Hey, were looking for the Grand Lido Pool....    
Hostess, while vigorously pointing us the opposite direction: Yah mon, yuh wan gwan bak tru da lobby an tru dat firs hall on yuh lef

Perhaps its just because we are Country Folk who often allow our farm children to run amuck unclothed in the privacy of our secluded country yard, but her entire vibe was, "GET BACK IN THE BACK YARD YOU CRAZY KIDS"

I definitely felt like a Backyardigan

So we scurried our way back to the safety of our "Back Yard" and found our way to the Hot Tub.  Which was now occupied with a singular neked man which we didnt realize until we were steps away.  My husband and I looked at each other.  Looked at him.  Looked at each other.  Looked at our towels.  Looked at the dude in the tub. Looked back at each other...

My drunk a$$, trying to whisper but obviously audible:  So... what are we doing?  Are we doing this?
Husband: ...F*CK IT!

He ripped that towel off like a band aid I quickly followed suit and into the tub we went.

Random Nakie Tub Guy:  So is this your guys' first time?

Husband:  What gave it away?  Was it the apprehension... or??

​We conversed and it was the right guy, the right place, and the right time to start feeling comfortable and welcome and unpressured and informed.  It was a great icebreaking moment.

The next day I was out and about right out of the gate while my husband slept off the booze.  I still wasnt ready to roam the halls nekie, but I bit the bullet and went full on nekie in BROAD DAYLIGHT for God and everyone else to see.  

And it wasnt awful.

It was actually super pleasant.

The ONLY issue that came up was I had no way to determine the amount of sun exposure I was getting because I had no tan lines to monitor!

That, and being the youngest most attractive woman at a nudist resort felt a different level of awkward. 

Then a Sugar Daddy and his MUCH younger and MUCH firmer Sugar Baby showed up and I felt.... DIFFERENTLY awkward, but also relieved (I was also super judgmental until I learned he lost his wife to cancer a few years back and all my judgement went out the window).  

At one point the hubs and I were out to eat on the clothing section of the resort (Almost ALL of the food/drink/entertainment are located in the clothed areas...probably because if you eat nude, where are you going to tuck your napkin?!?!) 
Hubs: Oh hay look, thats our neighbors eating over there
Me: Where? Them?
Hubs: No them
​Me, squinting:  Is it???  I CANT RECOGNIZE THEM WITH THEIR CLOTHES ON

So now, a couple days in, Ive gotten incredibly comfortable being in the buff.  Surprisingly, I found myself PREFERRING it and rushing back to the "back yard" after venturing out for food and drink.  I strutted down those halls completely neked to and fro the pool area and room.  Standing in front of the elevator, I could confidently wave to the fully clothed staff managing the front lobby while I was completely nude.  At one point I got on the elevator and it SHUT DOWN.  I was trapped.  And naked.  I hollered out for help.  Nothing.  I then noticed an alarm I could push and so I did.  Briefly.  It was loud and alarming (ba dum tiss).  Nothing.  So I LAID on that baby like a car horn stuck behind a texter at a green light until finally my Butler showed up and pried open the elevator doors.  

Butler:  Yah mon, de eluh-vay-tor es bok online M'Lady.  Yuh can go up.
Me, sliding past him: Noooo thanks.  Im gonna take the stairs.

And needless to say I took the stairs for the remainder of our trip.  

​At one point my husband and I were hanging out on our balcony and we kept hearing "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" from the other guests below around the pool bar.  Apparently it really was someone's birthday, but my husband, clever as he is, thought perhaps that was just a Common Greeting Phrase heard around Nudist Resorts:

Person1: Heeeeey, Happy Birthday!
Person2: ....Its not my birthday??
​Person1: Oh?  ...Well, I just figured since you were WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT

Also, there was this Pool Floaty that somebody obviously left behind and it became the "Community Pool Float" that anybody could use.  Which I did.  It was one of those round donut ones.  There was one point I was floating on it, face down, for a good long chunk of time.  I got out and let the float float away and moments later I witnessed a VERY OLD gentleman, just PLOP down on it SCROTUM FIRST right where I had been laying my face.  And at that point I wondered why am I even wearing a mask to walk briefly to a seated table when I clearly have been exposed to much more concerning intimate spaces?!  #MakeItMakeSense

Tell you what though, TMI aside, I have never in my life made sure I wiped my ass better than the week staying here.

(p.s.  despite whatever you may be seeing on main stream media here, Jamaica is doing it right when it comes to Covid and protocols.  In the past nearly two years of this, our driver has YET to meet a single Jamaican that has covid and as of the day we left there were only 100 reported active cases.  When they did need to wear their masks, I saw the local residents - not tourists - always wear their masks PROPERLY.  And everywhere you go there is someone standing at the door with a squirt bottle or pump bottle of Hand sanitizer - even from one room into another in a single establishment - one does not enter a room without sanitizing.  Jamaica currently only has an 18% vaccination rate.  I think there is a LOT to be said about the benefits of SUNSHINE and eating HEALTHY REAL FRESH Fruits, Veggies, and UNPROCESSED foods, and taking PROPER preventative sanitation measures. )

All in all, I have nothing but great things to say about staying at an Au Naturel resort.  The vulnerability and intimacy my husband and I experienced was enlightening and freeing.  I think everyone should have this eye-opening experience which strips you of your inherit shame - it rids you of your Fig Leaf.