 That pretty much sums up my attitude right there. Well, not at this precise moment... but for a majority of this holiday season sleigh ride that's where I've been coasting. Preparing for Christmas this year has been one of the most personally challenging tasks I have had to do. You see, this time of year last year I was in a *very* different place. After a bold-but-brief-bad-rebound, the man and his daughter that I loved so much found their way back into my life. And like any young(ish), healthy, sexually active, and presumably fertile female who stops getting her period would naturally assume; I was convinced that I was pregnant. I vividly remember sitting beneath the twinkling tree, wrapping their presents, and SOBBING. It was Christmas Eve, I had him back, I had her back, and I was finally 'pregnant' - It was the time of year that love and family are most cherished, and I had my family back. As I lovingly wrapped each gift, I sobbed tears of JOY and GRATITUDE while thanking God for my blessings.... In that moment, I couldn't have possibly been more elated. But this year... This year is an inconceivable horrific Twilight Zone nightmare. Yes, inconceivable. *Ba-dum-tss* I don't think its necessarily even about that right now. I know that some day, some how, I will be a mom. Maybe not this Christmas, but some day. However, this nightmare has been all about battling the "Moral Monster". I keep finding myself in the throes of an epic internal conflict - wanting to be a mom and have a family, but also wanting it to be 'RIGHT' - ya know, first comes love, then comes marriage (or serious commitment), THEN comes the baby in the baby carriage. I want BOTH. But I was robbed of that option and had to decide which was more important. At one point while trying to confide and explain my turmoil, I was even met with the response, "Shouldn't you be happy finally getting to try to have a kid with whoevers currently there?"
Trying to convince myself to be content with the decision to go against my own morals and ideals of what was 'right' and how things 'should be' was proving to be quite the tiresome task. ...That's a gross understatement. And then I came across this life-saving quote:  Its not so much the judgement of others, but the judgement I've been placing upon myself that has become too heavy of a burden to bear. Yup, I'm not married. And yea, maybe by most standards I "hardly know" the man I'm actively trying to conceive a child with. BUT, this is not some drunken accident or one night stand or several bad choices leading to 3 different kids by 3 different dads. When my disease was confirmed and I knew I had to act now, I had assumed that my barely budded relationship was certainly over before it really began. I was expecting to be told how absurd I was and have my character questioned for making the decision to go ahead and do this on my own. But instead I was met with, "Well, I've pretty much already decided that I want to have a child with you some day. Obviously, I would like more time to make sure that those feelings are right and that everything continues to go as smoothly as it has, but if we don't have that kind of time, that's ok too. Yea, its a leap of faith, but I'm willing to make that with you. Just know that if you do get pregnant, I'm staying in school to finish my Engineering Degree, and we must get married before the baby is born. But we'll figure it out, don't worry." Perhaps its not THE most ideal of situations, but the reality of it is, I *AM* doing this with an incredibly supportive and understanding individual. I'm doing this with someone who won't let me suffer and struggle through this endeavor on my own. I'm doing this with someone who shares the same deep desires of having a stable home and an unbroken family.  The only thing I really have to judge myself about here is letting a bad attitude get the best of me. I'm not going to be a Grinch and steal my own Christmas away. From here on out, I'm channeling Buddy the Elf instead.
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 I've noticed that on my roughest of rough days - the days that I find it hard to breath and question the desire of my own existence - its those days that I also happen to notice myself laughing the hardest at the most ridiculous things. There is no doubt what an emotional roller coaster this ride is; Jolting from one extreme to the next in a matter of mere moments. I suppose that is the beauty of balance - one can not exist without the other. There can be no day without night, no up without down... How could one possibly know light without knowing darkness? I've heard that the soul always knows what to do to heal itself, but the challenge is to silent the mind, and, for that, laughter is the BEST medicine. ....Unless you have diarrhea. :giggle::snort: Obviously, infertility is no laughing matter. It causes deep pain and heart ache. Scientific research has proven that women diagnosed with infertility suffer the same magnitude of stress as someone who has been diagnosed with cancer. Its f*cking epic and It ain't no joke, yo. But for me, finding the humor in something and making jokes about it has always been my personal go-to defense mechanism in alleviating stressful situations. Laughing = happiness. Heck, just the simple act of smiling can enhance your mood. Go ahead, try on a smile - I'll wait. ......doooooooo it. Feel instantaneously happy?! Yup - best drug there is. AND, anyone can afford it - its FREE! Thank God, cuz I cant afford NOT to... So, with yet another cycle being cancelled (I'll explain here uno momento), laughter is the medicine I'll be needing this month. And lots of it. So, every cycle I'm supposed to call my RE on CD (cycle day) 1. And per the usual protocol, here's how things generally go (I've stolen this next excerpt from the book "Laughing IS Conceivable." by Lori Shandle-Fox. It is a quick, easy, HILARIOUS read.): "Am I getting a period? I hope not. That means I'm not pregnant." "Am I getting a period? I hope so. That means the drugs are clearing out of my system and everything's getting back to normal." "Am I getting a period? I hope so. That means I start by blood tests tomorrow and I can try again." "Am I getting a period? Is that a spot or just underwear lint?" "Am I getting a period? I think I smell something! Maybe it's fabric softener." "Am I getting a period?! Or is that just a reflection from my tights?" "Am I getting a period?! Are these milkshake cramps or menstrual cramps?!" "Am I getting a period?! I THINK I HEAR IT COMING!" Well, I did get my period (if you want to really call the scant 24 hour peek-a-boo appearance a period) and so I went in for blood labs and ultrasound. Dr. Deutch was in charge of the magical wand today, and Prickles McGee stood by waiting to draw my labs - she actually seemed anticipatory to drive sharp metal into my skin. Perhaps I can bribe her with cookies. "So, with all of this estrogen coursing through my veins, I've been baking up a storm... you all have any cookie requests?" Suddenly, we all start clucking like hens about nostalgic Christmas goodies and how to make them. So there are four full grown people in a teeny tiny room. One of them is half naked and being inappropriately probed whilst the others are gathered around closely, and we are discussing - no no, ENGROSSED in - the topic of.... cookies?? "It feels like I'm in some sort of Baking Blog!", says the man with the wand. I just wanna know what's going on with MY cookie... Gaahhh, look at that vein in her arm. I love it when they're vascular. How much longer until I can get at that bad mamajamma with a needle?! - Prickles didn't say this out loud, but I could see it written on her face. "Christmas cookies are great and all, but Christmas bonuses are better. I think the Doc here should give you a raise!", Says my protective partner in crime, who obviously just read the same page on Prickle's face. "Well, it looks like the medication from last cycle gave you a pretty big cyst, so I advise that we cancel this cycle as well and give your body a chance to resolve it on its own. I'm so sorry. Is that ok?" Uh, NO... its NOT ok... but do I have any other choice?! "Uh, NO... its NOT ok... but do I have any other choice?", I word vomited honestly. We discussed all options and all outcomes and decided it was best to cancel this cycle. As Doc and Prickles were getting ready to leave, I see my fella fetching for his own bit of humor as he extended his hand to my doctor, "I'm Lance by the way, pleasure to finally meet you." In this moment I could see the funny feat was a success as I watched the Vagina Whisperer make a mental note, "Note to self: Be sure to introduce yourself to patient's partner BEFORE sticking my hands all over their giggly-bits." So, I dress and try to process everything that just transpired. Yea, its kind of really sh*tty, but with the holidays right around the corner, I'm sure I can find a way to welcome the break. So before the day is over, I take one more dose of the Best Medicine...   |
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