Dumpster Fire 101

So I has this terrible habit of running away.  Its a trauma response.  Im at least aware of that.  I have committed to NOT running away.  Just because.  Because I have never not.  Because I want to have a heart like Jesus and love unconditionally.  Im supposed to forgive.  Forgive forgive forgive.  Turn the other cheek..... forgive.  And since making this commitment to myself it seems like every temptation to run away has been thrown at me.  But when does it become abuse??? IS THIS ABUSE?! BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE ABUSE......Faaaaakkkkkk..... Im so tempted.  I just want to move in to the break room at work.  I found a couple cute little apartments both within a block of my moms house....buuuuuuuut my kids dont wanna leave the farm and quite honestly I dont want to shovel out the money plus I kinda made that promise not to run
soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.......... fffffffffaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

THIS FLUFFING SUUUUGGGSSSSSSS

I also dont want any of the stranger dangers on the interwebs to notice my change of scenery on my TikkiTokkis and start asking questions and sh*t sooooo.,..... (sigh)

I havent had any nicotine in almost 24 hours too sooooooo hey hey.  Im sure Im feeling a little extra spicy because of that too.

IDK - I just wanna write.  IDK what to say.  Everything sucks and I dont know what to do.  Yay me.  I dont WANT to do anything.  Except numb out and pretend there are no problems.  Thats probably what I will continue to do.  Story of my life.  Tra la laaaaaaaaa.  I cant hear the BULLSPIT.


Im tired and Im cranky and I wanna cry and I wanna snack and I wanna sleep and I just wanna snuggle in bed and watch TV and I wanna cry and I feel like Im stuck in the same ol hamster wheel cycles and IDK what to do to break freeeeeeeeeee and I just wanna cry and sigh and sigh and cry and blaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh word vomit.  

C'mon - something inspirational has to come from this.  C'mon brain think of things.

I wanna quit.

Everything.

The life.

The aliving.

No.

Not really.

Yikes... I wanted inspirational and it got dark.

Whatever - its honest.  These are the thoughts that run through my head.

I should take these dang things captive,....

BUT WTAF IS THE POINT?!?!?

GOD I HAVE NO FLUFFING CLUE WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND IM KINDA REALLY MAD ABOUT IT BUT I KNOW THAT I SHOULD DELIGHT IN MY TRIALS BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS FATHER FILTERED AND NOTHING GOES PAST YOU UNNOTICED  OR OUTSIDE OF YOUR PLAN BUT SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD SEE THE HECKIN MOCK UP OR SOMETHING SIR BECAUSE THIS SHIFT IS A LITTLE BIT RIDICULOUS AND IM NOT TRUSTING YOU BUT I SHOULD AND I WISH YOU WOULD JUST SIT ME DOWN AND BE LIKE SEE HERES THE PLAN IT ALL WORKS OUT AND ID BE LIKE OH YEA YOURE RIGHT I'LL KEEP MY COOL AND JUST GO ABOUT MY MERRY WAY BUT NOOOOOOOO I GOTTA KEEP MASKING AND PRETENDING EVERYTHING IS HONKEY DORY AND ALSO WHY ARE YOU EVEN HAVING ME WRITE THIS HERE CUZ .....TF DUDE..... IM ABOUT TO ABORT MISSION AND DELETE THIS WHOLE THING CUZ WHAT IS THE MOTHER FLUFFING PPPPOOOOIIINNNNNTTTTTTTT-UH?!?!  ITS NONE OF ANYONES DANG BIDNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS..... BUT ITS WHATEVER.  FINE.  I'LL JUST BE YOUR LITTLE PUPPET ON A STRING. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE FREE WILL.  AND EVEN THOUGH I PRAY EVERY DAY FOR YOU TO USE ME.  UGH.  IM SORRY GOD.  IM JUST MAD.  CONFUSED.  RAGEY.  SAD.  HURT.  SAD.  HURT.  USED.  UNAPPRECIATED. AND NOW I FEEL WHINEY.  UNGRATEFUL.  HECK YOU TO HECKIN HECK YOU HECKIN ENEMY.  LORD IF ANYONE DOES READ THIS PLEASE DONT HAVE THEM SEND ME TO AN INSTITUTION CUZ I FEEL A LITTLE CRAZY RN.  

wah. :'(

I just wanna hug.  and a cry.  and a snoozle.  GOD WHY YOU GOT ME OUT HERE BEING A MUTHA FLUFFING BOSS?!?!  GIVING ME THE BIG FIGHTS?!?! I dont wanna fight :'(  I just wanna rest and be the sweet perfect dainty nurtured feminine that I am.  Im giving it to you Sky-Daddy.  Can we please just put the kids to bed tonight and curl up and watch something on the boob-tube but can you pick it because you know I just scroll endlessly completely overwhelmed with choices and then unable to actually pick something so just make it obvious yea?  Some kind of hopeful love story?  That feels delicious.  And also discouraging.  UGH.  Maybe I'll just drink 2 bottles of wine and watch the notebook like the good ol days - ew no that was an immediate no hard pass even as I was writing it.  I miss enjoying drinking.  I miss enjoying meat.  I miss a lot of shtuff.  

I has a sad.

Im hungry.

This is the strangest blog ever.

Kinda reminds me of the "run-on-sentence//waiting for the fog to clear"....  just all over the place.  Mayhaps cuz thats how I feel RN.  No direction.  No Plan.  How TF do I even navigate this?? What do I even want???  I sure as shit dont want to start anything new with a complete fucking stranger thats for certain.  EW.  No.  Never.  never again.  That ship is so sailed.  Like I have come to terms that is just not in the cards for me.  Heh.  In the cards.  I miss my cards.  I actually feel further from You God, but I understand now that I dont need the training wheels anymore and just need to "work on my balance".

....hmm... that feels prophetic somehow for this situation..... I feel far from you but youre taking away my training wheels.....

IDK... TIME WILL TELL....

I JUST WISH I COULD HANG OUT WITH MY BESTIE AND HUG HER AND SPILL ALL THE TEA :( SOOO HEEEEEEEEEEY DONK IF YOURE READING THIS. IDEK if youre reading these blogs anymore since Ive stopped obsessively checking my IP trackers....  Sorry I havent just come to you and told you via messenger or whatever but you know me.... I dont want to be a burden to anyone and I keep my problems to myself and I always chew on stuff and try to digest it and pray on it a few days before doing anything with it so... its not personal.  I know you love and care for me but I know how much of your own stuff youve got going on and I dont want to add to your problems and anxiety so... I LOVE YOU DONK.  I'll be okay.  Im just in a mood and trying to sort it out one of the best ways Ive ever known how.    With my wordy words.

Oh hey, you actually just messaged me about the playset.

I want a break anyhow.  

Love you Donk.

And...whoever else may be reading this  -_- 
God speed.