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Resolve to know more - The BIG O

4/25/2014

Hello friends!

So, I had anticipated blogging every day this NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) in order to promote awareness, but an unexpected emergency root canal on Wednesday, a necessary tooth extraction on Thursday, and my wedding the day after tomorrow - has left me a teeeeeensy bit distracted. I feel like I've been punched in the face....with a drill. I likely need LOTS more calcium than I've been getting and am going to start supplementing. But I'd happily be a toothless gummy if its for my babies - I've been through a LOT more to get them!

Which brings me to today's topic - treatment and family building options.

"But Missy, what is with "The Big O?!""

Don't worry, I'll get to it. Promise ;)

If you or a loved one is struggling to build a family, you need to know there are many roads you can take. Use this section to understand all the options you have. No two family building journeys are exactly alike. (via Resolve.org)

There are sooooooo many options available that it can be a bit overwhelming. BUT, the good news is is that there ARE SO MANY OPTIONS AVAILABLE. No matter what, some way, some how, you CAN complete your family if you are open to the options available to you. Given that there is SO much information to take in, Im just going to touch base on some of the treatments and family building paths you can go down (with links to more information).

Fertility Medicines:
Generally, this is where most start. Some of these medications help to conclude where the problems lies with infertility and others assist in treatment. These meds can vary greatly from as mild as Aspirin (Aspirin is used alone or with Heparin to reduce the risk of recurrent spontaneous pregnancy loss. In addition, it is often used for the prevention of miscarriage) to more 'hard core' meds such as Gonadotropin (Continued used of GnRH agonists/"Gonadotropin" suppresses certain hormones thereby creating a clean slate on which to create a controlled ovarian hyperstimulation cycle for in vitro fertilization (IVF) or other assisted reproductive technology (ART) procedures. Gonadotropins are used to prevent premature release of eggs in IVF or gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT) and to treat endometriosis or to shrink fibroids. It comes in two forms: Lupron, a drug taken by subcutaneous injection daily, and Synarel, a nasal spray taken twice a day. The long acting form is taken by injection once a month.. This information and So much more can be found at http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/fertility-medicines.html)

IUI:
This is actually where we were at in our journey before we conceived 'spontaneously'. We were scheduled for Clomid+IUI, but my cycles were always cancelled prior to IUI due to adverse reactions to the Clomid.

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is the placing of sperm into a woman's uterus when she is ovulating. This procedure is most commonly used for couples with unexplained infertility, minimal male factor infertility, and women with cervical mucus problems. IUI is often done in conjunction with ovulation-stimulating drugs. IUI can be performed using the husband's sperm or donor sperm. Before IUI, the woman should be evaluated for any hormonal imbalance, infection or any structural problems. This information and So much more can be found at http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/iui.html

IVF/ART:
Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) involves several types of medical treatment designed to result in pregnancy. Types of ART include in vitro fertilization (IVF), gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT), zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT), embryo cryopreservation, egg or embryo donation, and gestational carriers.
In vitro fertilization is a highly sophisticated, meticulously timed procedure, which involves removing a ripened egg or eggs from the female's ovary, fertilizing it with semen, incubating the dividing cells in a laboratory dish and then replacing the developing embryo in the uterus at the appropriate time.
The success and availability of IVF has raised the hopes of many infertile couples who have not been able to conceive because of infertility associated with not only blocked or absent fallopian tubes but also male infertility and many other causes. This information and so much more can be found at http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/ivf-art.html

Donor Options:
These options are usually used in conjunction with IVF/ART. Some options are donor eggs, donor sperm, or donor embryos.
Donor eggs are generally used when a woman is unable to ovulate or produce her own (and for women like yours truly who has Pre-Mature Ovarian Failure - a.k.a. minimal eggs in my proverbial carton) Prior to the development of in vitro fertilization (IVF), no options were available for women with premature ovarian failure or diminished ovarian reserve or genetically transmittable diseases. The primary indication for egg donation was originally for women with premature ovarian failure (POF), defined as menopause occurring before the age of 40 years.

Yea, I was going through menopause the last few years...

Donor Sperm is usually used by couples when the husband/partner has no sperm or a very poor semen analysis (azoospermia, oligospermia, poor motility), or when there is a genetic problem which could be inherited from the male. Single women who want a biological child also use DI.

A donor embryo is used when a sperm and egg have already come together to create a human embryo. This donor embryo is implanted via IVF once it has become a blastocyst. A donor embryo is generally used when a couple has infertility factors on both sides, or a same sex couple wishes to use a surrogate.

This information and tons more of information on donor options can be found at
http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/donor-options/donor-options.html

Adoption:
"You can always just adopt!" Easier said than done. Aside from the financial tolls there is a LOT that goes into the adoption process.
Adoption can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. Choosing to adopt a child means you are willing to make a lifelong commitment to raising a child and creating a family for that child. There are many options for Domestic and International Adoption. It is important to gather as much information as you can about adoption - this information and more can be found at http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/adoption.html

Surrogacy:
There are two types of surrogacy - traditional and gestational. Traditional surrogacy is where a woman who is not the intended mother is inseminated by the intended father's sperm either naturally or artificially, and carries a baby in her uterus made with her egg and the intended father's sperm and then give the baby to the intended parents. A gestational surrogacy is where a woman who is not the intended mother is impregnated with an embryo that is either from the intended parents OR from a donor of their choice and carries the pregnancy, where she then gives the baby to the intended parents.

Here comes the big O....

I have seriously looked into surrogacy. Obviously, not as a resolution to my own infertility - but to assist in resolving others' infertility. Ironically, this is something that I looked into MANY years ago (although only briefly) when I was looking into donating eggs for extra income. Silly me for thinking I had eggs to sell!

Perhaps I couldve charged a LOT more since they were so rare - does the supply and demand theory apply here??

In any case, I don't want to be forever done being pregnant once I give birth. And the likely hood of me carrying another of my own children is pretty slim since, at least as of right now, I am NOT prepared to undergo treatment and fight my own fight again. But I want to fight the fight for others. And I am blessed enough to marry a man who is willing to consider this with me, and I want to share that blessing with others. Obviously this changes the whole dynamic of a pregnancy - I don't think my husband would jump at the drop of a hormone-induced-tear to get me pickle icecream when I'm pregnant with someone else's child - but that's the fun stuff for intended parents to partake in anyhow. ;)

I feel like effing OPRAH with my uterus...

That was my BIG O - climaxing to an Oprah state of giving.

For me personally - this feels very empowering. Its like a giant EFF YOU to infertility and resolves not only some of my own hurts, but would help another family resolve theirs too.

This MAY be the last post until after the wedding. But I hope to have shed at least a smidgen of insight to ya'll and offered some HOPE to those who needed it.

THANK YOU for your time, open minds, and open hearts!

As always, you can find more information at the following links for a basic understanding of infertility and talks more about National Infertility Awareness Week.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

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Resolve to know more - American's Horror Story

4/22/2014

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Because infertility often involves major personal life issues and decisions, it is often experienced as a private matter and is not ordinarily discussed openly or publicly. The personal nature of the experience of infertility contributes to the failure of the public, politicians, healthcare professionals and the media to recognize infertility as a disease. This causes a lack of sound knowledge and available resources about infertility (via resolve.org).

However, just because these matters are very personal to an individual, it shouldn't deter the general public from the knowledge and awareness of this disease in general. I can say that it is not easy to share the emotions associated with infertility, but I do feel that it is NECESSARY for those brave enough to take on such a task in order to not only help better educate the general public, but to help our closest family and friends better understand what it is that we are going through.

Most young girls are raised to think that they'll become mothers someday. From the very first baby doll to the first baby shower, girls and women are surrounded by images and expectations from parents, peers, religion, advertising, and the media.

The pressures to marry and raise a family can be enormous — to the extent that women who are unable to do those things can feel as though something must be deeply wrong with them or sorely lacking in their lives.

For some women, motherhood is a large part of their self-image as a female. For others, it's their highest ambition. Even women who don't necessarily want to become mothers are aware of social expectations to do so. (modified via babycenter.com)

I can say that for me personally, I had only ever wanted one child. But since my diagnosis Ive suddenly become very needy in my baby requirements. I just may end up on TLC's next episode of Hoarders....

Aside from some rare, extenuating circumstance, I don't think there is a single little girl that dreams of growing up and having her babies via IVF and needles and hormones and struggle. That is NOT the "American Dream" - It is the American's Horror Story.

So what happens when that dream is shattered? How does it feel? In today's post I wanted to address the hidden emotions of Infertility. A few months ago I was curled up on the couch catching up on episodes of American Horror Story. In season 2 (the Asylum), there was a particular episode that struck me very personally. In this scene, Kit is told that he is being released and will NOT be castrated. However, his girlfriend Grace finds out that SHE will be the one to lose her ability to procreate. I think that her reaction depicts just the surface of the emotions felt when diagnosed with infertility. Living with this disease is much like playing this scene on REPEAT.....EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.. These are just some of the emotions that we are trying to cope with.

****WARNING**** This scene is a TRIGGER.

Infertility is very much a LOSS. A BIG loss that requires grieving. Some of these losses include:

Loss of the pregnancy and the birth experience;
Loss of a genetic legacy and loss of future contributing citizens to the next generation;
Loss of the parenting experience;
Loss of a grandparent relationship;
Loss of stability in family and personal relationships;
Loss of work productivity; and
Loss of a sense of spirituality and sense of hope for the future. (via resolve.org)

I'm going to be completely raw and honest with my emotions - there were many times that I didn't want to live. I would never have taken my own life, but I would be lying if I said there weren't many times that I wanted to die. Scientific studies have concluded that women diagnosed with Infertility have the same levels of stress as someone diagnosed with cancer. Although it feels completely vulnerable to share my dark emotions, I feel it is necessary to express myself so the public is aware of the depth of hurt in such circumstances and bring the same level of awareness that the population already has on other diseases. One with common sense would NEVER say to someone with breast cancer, "Oh, you're going to have to have your breast removed? That's okay, you can always get an implant!" and I hope that people will soon have the same common sense regarding infertility - I hope to NEVER again hear, "Oh, you're infertile? That's okay, you can just adopt!"

If you find yourself feeling constantly sad or anxious, not sleeping well or oversleeping, feeling completely isolated, or having thoughts of death and dying, then it is especially important that you speak to your doctor about your feelings. Consider professional help. Many couples find that professional individuals or couples counseling can help them cope with the emotional stress of infertility, and some fertility clinics even insist that their patients seek counseling before and during treatment.

Resolve to know more about the emotions of infertility. Please go to .
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/Managing-Infertility-Stress/emotional-aspects.html for more information.

These links are also helpful for a basic understanding of infertility and talks more about National Infertility Awareness Week.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

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Resolve to Know More

4/21/2014

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We interrupt your regularly scheduled Maternity Monday for this very important public service announcement: April 20th - April 26th is National Infertility Awareness Week. I may have triumphed over the odds, but I am still plagued with the disease that is Infertility, and it still effects me every day. It is my intent to post multiple times this week (if not daily) regarding infertility in attempts to raise awareness. If anyone is uncomfortable by these posts, you are likely the exact person that I am trying to reach.

"Coincidentally", at the end of this week on April 27th - I marry the man who has carried me through this disease, putting an "end" to struggling alone and a new beginning to our triumphant future. I say "coincidentally" because nothing is a coincidence. Rather, I would call this particular piece of providence "Poetic Justice" (thank you Universe).

For those of you who don't know me, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Missy
(pause) Hi Missy
and I am infertile. I have spent the last 3 years between doctors and midwives trying to find out the reason behind my irregular cycles. Without much help from them, I decided to take matters into my own hands and temped (the tracking of basal body temperature) for a year. Between temping, my own research, and going through my previous blood labs with a fine tooth comb, I was able to diagnose myself with Pre-Mature Ovarian Failure, which was confirmed by my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist a.k.a. Infertility Specialist) in October 2013. I am actually currently 19 weeks pregnant with TWINS - a 'spontaneous' conception as the RE referred to it since it was a cancelled cycle that we conceived on. My chance of conceiving on my own was in the realm of 1 in 1 million and my chance of having twins without medical assistance was 1 in 3 trillion.

There is a misconception that the woes of Infertility simply disappear once pregnancy is achieved and I can tell you first hand that is not the case. Being a pregnant infertile, I am still trying to find my 'place' in society and work the the emotions I was hoping would be gone (and new ones that have surfaced) once I finally became pregnant.

For those of you who already follow this blog, you are likely going to process some repeated information. Please bear with me in my attempts to raise awareness and please feel free to share these posts. I thank you for your time my friends, as well as your open minds and open hearts.

Resolve to Know More about the disease of Infertility
&
When to see a Fertility Specialist

So, what is Infertility?  According to Resolve.org (AWESOME website and THE go-to source for information), Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages and the woman is under 35 years of age. If the woman is over 35 years old, it is diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse.
Who does Infertility affect?  Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. Yes, 1 in 8. Look around you next time you are in a crowded room and do the math. I'm sure that is more than you expected. Those people may very well be hiding a lot of pain and heartache beneath their smiles. Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 30% of infertility is due to a female factor and 30% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained. (via resolve.org) There are several risk factors such as: Weight, Age, Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs), Tubal Disease, Endometriosis, Hereditary, Smoking and Alcohol just to name a few.
Are there any signs or Symptoms?  Often there are no signs or symptoms associated with an infertility problem. Listening to your body and getting regular checkups will help to detect a problem. Early detection and treatment of a problem are often critical in achieving successful pregnancy outcomes later (via Resolve.org). This is something that I feel very strongly about. If I had not been an advocate of my own health and been persistent in listening to my own body, I very well may never have received an answer and by the time I tried to have children it may have been to late. Many, many times I heard that "cycles vary greatly from woman to woman, so you are still in the realm of normal'. But I knew that for *me*, what my body was doing was NOT normal. Normal is completely relative. "What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly" - Charles Aadams. LISTEN to your body. Listen and TRUST that you know you better than anyone.
Do you need to see a specialist?  According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, you should seek the care of a specialist if you are unable to achieve pregnancy after 12 months of unprotected intercourse and the woman is under the age of 35 (However, this time frame changes to 6 months if the woman is over the age of 35). You should also seek the care of a specialist if you have had more than one miscarriage.
If you answer "YES" to any of these statements - you should talk to your healthcare professional NOW - regardless of how long you've been trying to conceive.

Do you have painful periods?
Do you have irregular periods?
Are you unable to pinpoint when you ovulate?
Do you or your partner have a history of STDs?
Do you have an unhealthy Body Mass Index (BMI) (underweight or overweight)?
Have had more than one miscarriage?

RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association urges you (and your partner if applicable) to take charge of your fertility. Asking questions, educating yourself or your partner, and being your own advocate are the fastest ways to building your family. (via resolve.org)

There really is no way to capture the depth of impact of Infertility in a single blog post. This disease has changed my life exponentially. However, I hope this post has answered a few basic questions, and I hope to help spread even more awareness not only this week, but throughout the rest of my journey.

I highly encourage you to also check out these links for even more information:

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

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Knock Knock, Who's there?

4/10/2014

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The Bemis Brothers

We had our gender reveal ultrasound on April 5th thanks to Stork 4D Imagery and found out we are having TWO BOYS!! It was such an amazing experience! The whole family met us there and were able to share the special moments with us. We were also able to get the entire session on DVD, which I highly recommend if you do something like this - there was so much on the DVD that I didn't see during the actual session because of sensory overload.

So, if you're curious what twin boys look like in the womb at 16w, then check this out! The video is kind of long, so if you're unable to watch the whole thing now, then just check out these highlights:

* The first 0sec-40sec is one of the boys sucking his thumb
* 8 min - it seriously looks the like boys are playing tag. You can see where the two amniotic sacs meet/separate via a line in the middle and both boys go back and forth touching it/reaching for each other.
* 14min 20sec - Ultrasound goes to 3D and it looks like our baby is playing peek-a-boo.
(The imaging is really distinct from here on out.)

After finding out we're going to be parents to Twin BOYS, we had our gender reveal photo shoot with my long-time trusted photographer, and here are some of the photos so far. :)

It was a very long day. A long, EXCITING, day. But once the excitement and hub-bub of the day was all over, I received a nasty visit...

♪♫ Ding. Dong. ♪♫

Who could that be? Im not expecting anyone...

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

INFERTILITY!

WTF do you want?! I thought I kicked your ass already.

"Oh no no no, its not that simple. I know you're all excited, buuuuuuuuuut I'm here to rain on that parade and remind you that you're never having a daughter. Or at least not without struggle, heart ache, and debt. Nener nener nener."

Shut up, infertility. Nobody likes you. Why wont you just go away?!

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. The other day I had a tenant come in to the office and she had her new baby with her. I wanted to see it. I wanted to hold it. But that would mean I would have to congratulate her and in that moment I couldn't bring myself to. She already has two kids she didn't try for and didn't try for this child either... but that doesn't mean that she is undeserving. Once she left, I felt guilty for being so cold and shocked that I still harbored so much bitterness and resentment.

The same shock that I felt when my heart broke on one of the most joyous of days. Finding out we are having two boys is cause for celebration! I will have 3 men that will love and protect me for always. I get the opportunity to help mold the MEN of the future. Buying clothes, sharing toys, potty training - it all seems easier with two of the same gender. And to be quite honest, raising a teenage girl scares the bajeebus out of me! I was a teenage girl. I have a teenage sister. They're effing terrifying! But my heart still bleeds at the thought and reality that I may never have a mini me. I've already dreamt of her, named her, and loved her. To add insult to injury, I chose to walk away from the only 'daughter' I may ever have in order to pursue a family of my own. And now I have to say goodbye to this one too. Just like every time there was only one line on the pregnancy test - it felt like a death. Its like I was diagnosed with IF all over again.

It is such a strange dynamic to want to celebrate and mourn all at the same time. Its not that I am not grateful or excited that I am having two sons. I love them and I cant wait to meet them. And as a matter of fact, I think I am better suited to raise boys (or at least they might be easier to convince to lift heavy with me in the gym). Its like anything in life I suppose... knowing that whats in front of you is for your greatest good, being able to accept it, and being happy that God put it in your life, but still deeply longing for and missing what you thought it was that would fulfill your desires.

Beautifully enough, after crying on my way to church this last Sunday and trying to work through feelings of guilt for being sad about the 'loss' of our daughter during such a joyous time, our minister Nancy approached me in private immediately after arriving. After the congratulations and hugs, she said to me, "Remember a few messages ago when I told you that spirit was showing me little girl booties? But they were only showing me one pair and I told you that I wasn't getting anything about a 2nd pair/color? Well, I really think what that meant was that you ARE having a little girl, but that was her way of saying that shes coming solo."

Nancy didn't know that I needed to hear that, but spirit did. And it brought me the peace that I needed. Thank you, Spirit.

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Resolve to know more - The BIG O

Resolve to know more - American's Horror Story

Resolve to Know More

Resolve to Know More about the disease of Infertility & When to see a Fertility Specialist

Knock Knock, Who's there?

The Bemis Brothers

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Resolve to Know More about the disease of Infertility
&
When to see a Fertility Specialist