​Dear Lil Bird,
 
Today I wish I could hold you.  Life is so uncertain.  Things can change so drastically so suddenly… We lost someone in our family 2 days ago.  Abruptly.  Tragically.  I just… my brain is mush and I wish I had something more uplifting for your birthday this year, but my heart just aches for so many unknowns.  I hope and pray that you are healthy and HAPPY.  I pray that you never succumb to the darkness that can be in this world.  I pray that you take deep roots in your faith in God.  I love you lil bird.
 
Always,
Me.

So... Im sharing one of my more shameful parenting moments... Which also happens to be one of my prouder ones...

Last night, after a crazy busy day at work (I legit accomplished about 4 days worth of work in 1) I came home, nursed the baby, got started on dinner, and went to do laundry while it cooked.  Dinner finished, and as I started serving up plates, Leo goes into full melt down mode, obnoxiously whining, "Noooooooo!!! Not thaaaat.  I DONT WANT THAAAT!!!"  Tears and heaping to the floor ensued.

"THEN GO TO BED!" I hastily responded.

L:  "I DONT WANNAAAAAA"
Me: "You listen to me - I am sick and tired of going to work all day every day, coming home and taking care of the laundry and the dishes and everything else that needs to be done to run this house, and working really hard on a delicious, healthy, home made meal for you, only to have you whine at me and tell me you dont want it like an ungrateful little shit!"

.... yea ya'll.... I called my 3 1/2 year old a little shit.  An ungrateful little shit.... (facepalm)

Me:  "So you can either eat this meal that I made for you, or you can go to bed!"
L:  "I wanna go lay on the couch!"
Me: "Fine, but youre not watching any TV!"
L: "Fine"

Leo ended up passing out on the couch, without dinner, where he stayed until dad brought him up to bed at bedtime.

This morning, our conversation went like this:

Me: Hey Leo....  Im sorry for yelling at you last night.
L: Yea
Me: Yea...I had every right to be upset, but not to say the things that I said the way that I said them.
L:  Yea.
Me: ...
L:  You couldve used your manners, ya know.
Me: Yea.  I could have.  Can I try to explain to you why I was so upset?
L: Yea
Me:  Well, imagine that you made me a really nice picture, or a craft, and then imagine when you gave it to me, if I started crying and yelling in your face, "I DONT WANT THAT!!!"  How would that make you feel?
L:  That would make me feel sad.
Me:  Exactly buddy.  And thats how I felt.  But I was also mad.  So I said hurtful things.  And I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for that.
L: Thats okay mom, mistakes happen ya know.
Me: (wondering how I got so blessed) 
L:  Hey mom?
Me: Yea buddy?
L: I wanted to tell you Im sorry too.
Me: OH?
L: Yea.  Im sorry for yelling and crying in your face.
Me: I forgive you, buddy.
L: (smiles)
Me: Can we hug now?
L: YEA!
:insert warmest fuzziest hug ever:

The enemy really wanted me to beat myself up over my failure and shortcomings as a mother, and especially this razor sharp tongue of mine that spurts out the most ridiculous things sometimes, but God reminded me that He can work together all things for good (Romans 8:28).  If I didn't make mistakes, I wouldn't have the opportunity to repent and correct them, and therefore not have the opportunity to lead my children by example on how they should behave when they make mistakes.  I am far from the perfect mother, I lose my sh*t more times than I care to admit.  But, by the Grace of God, I am raising some really awesome little humans who repent and forgive.