Kingdom Work

An Idea Is Born

I didn't want to know the gender of our baby.  My husband did.  With my arm only gently twisted I was suddenly pretty much on board with finding out too.  But it just didn't feel that simple.  It felt like so much riding one one little 50/50 answer.  So many years.  So many tears.  Infertility.  Miscarriage.  SO. MUCH. INVESTED.  Part of me wanted to wait until day of because I figured if I was going to grieve over the loss of a daughter (again) I thought it might be easier to do with a beautiful bundle of baby already in my arms.  But on the other side of the very same coin, I wanted to be able to fully revel in the JOY of our newest addition without any lingering grief to sort through.  I wanted to be fully healed by the time baby was here.  Plus, pretty much every one wants to know!  So I'll try to keep this story down to a short novel. 

One serendipitous coincidence after another led me to have what I thought was a genius idea for my husband's Valentine's Day gift.  I was going to surprise him (and myself) with the gender of our baby!  Storks Nest 3D offers a Private Gender Reveal Ultrasound session which would allow for me to have the ultrasound, and a recording of baby's heartbeat to be placed into a gender specific (pink or blue) heartbeat bear for us to open together privately.  

"Honey, I know what Im getting you for Valentine's Day! And Im sooooooo excited!" I couldnt stop the words from spilling out of my mouth the very moment my husband and I were in a room together after the birth of this brilliant idea.  

"Uh oh, I better get to thinking about your gift if Valentine's day is still a couple weeks away and youre already this excited about it...... I think I know what it is.... is it the Gender of our baby?!"

I made the same face you're making, dear reader.  Except, only in my head of course - I didn't want to give it away! I tried to shrug it off, "OMG, you totally guessed it.  Have you been lurking my Pinterest boards?!  [awkward laugh] Honey our ultrasound with MFM isnt until the 16th..."

Shoot.  Now I needed decoy gifts!  (Which we were both very pleased with!)  

(Check out www.lovebookonline.com for some really cute, unique, personalized gift ideas!)

Day Of the Ultrasound

It was a gorgeous sunny day!  First one in what felt like decades and decades and decades of a dreary winter season.  PERFECT day for a field trip to see our newest nugget!  Id love to drone on about the ultrasound experience and all of the serendipitous coincidences and how the tech worked with the same MFM doctors I see and how her son and daughter-in-law are currently expecting TWINS and all of the glorious right-in-the-feels feel-goods, BUT I know ya'll are trying to get an answer on baby's gender so I will skip to the part where my husband presented me with my early Vday gift (a Vitamix 5300 blender!) and in exchange I gave him his.

"Now this last gift.... I don't know what it is.  I mean, I know, but I don't know....ya know?"  With a confused look on his face my husband began peeling the paper away, so I continued, "SO, our BABY is measuring a whole week ahead..."

"OH!  ....OoOoOohhh.... Oh I dont think Im mentally prepared for this yet!"  So we looked at the ultrasound video and pictures and talked about the day, eventually deciding to open his gift together on our special date night the following Saturday.

Date Night

Well, we didn't end up dressing up or going out - Even though we already had a sitter lined up and everything.  What we did do was order pizza and rent a movie; later falling asleep on our couch in the family room, snuggled up with our children, just like we had daydreamed when I was prominently pregnant during our furniture shopping trip only a couple years prior.  The PERFECT way to celebrate LOVE. 

Letting the Bear Out of the Bag

Monday Morning.  Literally down to the last hour together for the work week and the bag was still unopened.  Between the combination of anticipation and procrastination (and maybe some pregnancy hormones) I may or may not have threatened to just throw the whole bag out or see if I could somehow get a refund.  My husband opened the bag at the exact speed of a sleepy sloth on sedatives to FINALLY pull out a beautiful BLUE bear.
And I bawled.  I bawled my eyes eyes out for my daughter.  I bawled for the 'loss'.  I bawled for the journey.  Every woman's journey to motherhood starts somewhere.  Mine started 6 1/2 years ago when a precious little princess called me Mommy and allowed me to love and care for her like one.  6 1/2 years ago that sweet girl planted a song and a seed of love in my soul that took deep roots and blossomed my mommy heart.  6 1/2 years of longing for a daughter of my own.... 6 1/2 years of compromise, sacrifice, infertility, miscarriage, loss....all to finally, finally climax.  

Game over.

But I most certainly did not lose.  I may never get to raise a warrior of a woman...a little girl with my big brown eyes, bigger nose, and even bigger smile.... a little girl with Leo's butt and Joel's metabolism...a perfect princess with my husband's logic and smarts any my otherworldly creativity...

No, I didn't lose anything.  I may have wanted a girl, but more than my own desires I crave His will and His ways, which are always perfect.  I have been given the best gift of all.  God has entrusted me with His men.  I know I am doing Kingdom work raising sweet, compassionate, empathetic, loving little MEN who will be husbands and fathers one day is His Kingdom. True men fit to lead their households the way Christ intends.  Men who are not afraid to cry, to help, to feel, to give, to LOVE.  Men who love God (1 John 2:16), are committed to building His Kingdom (2 Timothy 4:5), who are generous (Matthew 6:21)  and  willing to put others before themselves (1 Corinthians 10:24).  Men who will have biblical knowledge (James 1:22) and who will have intense faith in prayer (James 5:16).

A Message for Mister Milo

As all of our family and friends grieve the "loss" of "Mila Kristine"....as I receive the awkward, yet sincere, "REALLY?!"'s and "...I'm Sorry..."s after announcing your gender - remarks that Im sure will continue as the years roll on - I pray that you know that I am NOT SORRY.  I love you immensely and know that you are meant for me, and that I am meant for you.  Now Im new to this singleton thing and I'm not sure how anybody is supposed to live without a twin, so you and I, we will have to stick together, son.  And I look forward to our journey together with great anticipation.  I love you.

Love, 
​Mom