Blog Archives

The Book of US - Excerpts

1/15/2016

- - - - - - - - - -

CIRCA FEBRUARY 2009

"Do you love him?"

The inquiry came from my dad. I was on the phone with him discussing divorcing my husband of barely over a year. I was caught off guard by the question.

"What??" I asked in response.

"Just this one question will answer it for you." He slowed down his tempo and asked the question again, but clearer. More precise. Giving every single word emphasis. "Do. You. LOVE. Him?"

"WHAT'S LOVE HAVE TO DO WITH IT, DAD?!" I practically shouted back in defense.

"What about loving myself?? What about self-love and self-respect?! He LIED to me, dad. Our vows were to love and HONOR each other. He dishonored me by lying AGAIN."

- - - - - - - - - -

JULY 04, 2013

"Well, do you want to do anything tonight? We could to go Stanley's so I could see *Julio? Or Lance invited me to watch the fireworks with him if you’re interested in doing that? Or if you want to stay in, *Bret said that he would want to come over, " my friend *Rinny asked me cheerfully, trying to shake me out of my funk.

"I dunno Donk, I think I’m just going to sit this one out this year." I moped in response.

And I moped on my drive home. And I moped up the back stairs to my mom's house and moped all the way up the stairs to my old bedroom and I moped right into a pile of mopiness on my bed, in the dark, where I laid numb until a text revived me from my mopecoma.

"I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling glum blowing shit up always makes me feel better. You should come watch fireworks tonight."

...the fuck is this texting me? I don’t know this number. Ugh, it’s probably one of the guys *Rinny was making plans with...thought I made it pretty clear I’d rather stay home and be heartbroken…                 …Be nice.

"Who are you some kind of psychic angel? Thanks but Id rather just fly solo tonight. Have fun. Happy 4th"

"Fly solo? I thought you were with *Rinny tonight? This is Lance by the way. Ok, have a good 4th. Hope you feel better."

"Perhaps a misunderstanding? I was with her earlier, but I decided to head home a couple hours ago. .....do you happen to have any clean green? That might convince me to peel myself out of bed."

"Of course I do. And no misunderstanding, I see what’s going on here. Show starts in 10 minutes, can see it clearly from my place and we can smoke. Up to you, just lmk."

Well shit. I really don’t want to spend my 4th of July crying on my bed in the dark. I kinda feel bad for the guy since I suspect *Rinny blew him off. *sigh* He DOES have pot, and he's like only 4 blocks away...

"Be there in 5"

And I was there in about 8. We smoked. We watched the fireworks. We discovered that *Rinny had told him that I was too bummed to do anything and we were just going to have our own girly pity party only a few minutes prior to him texting me.

"So...how'd you get my number?"

"Uh, Facebook."

"Yea, I’m pretty sure I don’t have my number attached to my Facebook." I started to feel susperious.

"Yes, you do. you have this Fitness website for ISSA listed on your profile and your phone number is listed there under Contact Me"

"Oh. Yea."

Shit. I’ve got to delete that.

All in all though we had a pretty decent evening. We smoked and talked until 3 a.m. He vented about *Rinny having a bad habit of blowing him off last minute and I vented about the turmoil in my relationship. We were two people, making the best out of a shitty day, connecting in human way. We thanked each other for the company, wished each other that everything works out, and went on our merry way.

- - - - - - - - - -

JULY 5, 2013

The next morning I texted *Rinny. "Hey Donk! What did you end up doing last night? Anything fun?"

She called me right away. "Heeeeeeey Wombie! Yea I ended up hanging out with ******* and we....." I'll spare the details of her evening here; they are irrelevant.

"What?! No way! Girl, you’re crazy. Dude, I actually ended up hanging out with Lance last night, and belie-" I started to say when she blurted out,

"You what?!"

"I know, how bizarre right? He texted me out of nowhere and I didn’t know who's number it wa-" Interrupted again.

"Wait wait wait, you WHAT?! I CAN NOT BELEIVE YOU MISSY!!!"

And I was so shocked by her reaction that I just started apologizing profusely and promising to never speak to him again.

"YOURE A CHARLATAN! You KNEW I had plans with him, and you hung out with him anyway??!"

A charlatan? WTF is a Charlatan?! Is she being serious right now??? Is she acting like I’m trying to steal her man or something?? We literally just had a conversation days ago that she wasn’t interested in him. Nor that I was either.

- - - - - - - - - -

JUNE 27, 2013 (Facebook Correspondence)

6/27/2013, 12:18pm - *Rinny
I can't just get with him that would never work

He's more wifey material

And I'm not looking for that

6/27/2013, 12:19pm - Missy
This is true. If you got with him he would be there ALLLLLways

6/27/2013, 12:19pm - Rinny
Hahahaha He'd steal my nuggets and get knocked up in purpose

6/27/2013, 12:20pm - Missy
Hahahahahaha Sounds like a Lance move. ..sounds like a Missy move. Why can’t I find a guy like lance? That’s not actually lance.

6/27/2013, 12:21pm - *Rinny
You could find one but you don't want a guy like Lance

6/27/13, 12:21pm – Missy
This is true. my exhusband was kind of like lance, and I didnt like it so much

6/27/2013, 12:22pm - *Rinny
Yeah it's not hot but sounds great in theory

6/27/2013, 12:22pm - Missy
its those damn theories that'll get ya!

- - - - - - - - - -

JULY 5, 2013

So yea, she was clearly just livid about getting caught blowing him off and taking it way out of line.

"*Rinny. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I won’t talk to him".

But then she still wasn’t talking to me. A week had passed and she was still giving me the cold shoulder. My best friend. Over what?? And my ex-boyfriend and I still hadn’t managed to work through the many issues related of the ticking time bombs that were my ovaries, and then there was nice guy, funny Lance, offering food and pot, and willing to listen to me harp about my ex and did not expect anything from me in return.

"A yacht club? Your mom's boyfriend? The speed boat goes how fast?! And beer? And then dinner? You know what actually, yes I do want to go," was my response to Lance’s invitation.

And so I did. And I enjoyed myself. And I was pleasantly surprised when he still didn’t try to kiss me at the end of the night.

Awesome. I think we are on the same page here. ...But just to be sure...

"Thanks again for everything! I needed that. Oh, and do you mind not posting anything on Facebook? I don’t want people getting the wrong idea and *Rinny still hasn’t come around yet."

"Of course." He obliged.

- - - - - - - - - -

SIDE NOTE

Except he did post about it to Facebook. He posted a picture of me and him and his mom on a boat. Which *Rinny saw and absolutely lost her shit about. We're totally cool now but that’s not here nor there. The very extravagant point I’m trying to drive home is that he KNEW where I stood with lying.

- - - - - - - - - -

JULY 15, 2013

(Lance sends me the aforementioned picture via Facebook message)

7/15/2013, 4:30pm - Lance
Tada.

7/15/2013, 4:36pm – Lance Bemis
My mom posted it to her Facebook and I wanted to tag myself

but...Oh the drama.

7/15/2013, 5:32pm – Missy
I like it [[smile emoticon]] Yea, drama is no bueno.

7/15/2013, 5:33pm – Lance
Well she tagged me so...

Seems like it's out there unless it's something I need to undo.

7/15/2013, 5:35pm – Missy
*sigh* its prob already too late [[unsure emoticon]] faaaaaaak

7/15/2013, 5:36pm - Lance
Time to own it. [[grin emoticon]] You don't have anything to be ashamed of. You didn't do anything wrong so don't let people harsh your mellow.

7/15/2013, 5:37pm – Missy
Well, I did do something wrong. I gave a promise that I didn't keep.

But you're right, I need to own that.

7/15/2013, 5:40pm - Lance
I dunno feel like I've said it before but I am not a thing to be given and withheld. Think I made it pretty clear that I wanted to hang out with you. You didn't ask me. So, you could have gone out and had a blasty blast, or you could have had two people upset. I think you played it right. But I may be a bit biased.

7/15/2013, 5:44pm - Missy
No you're not. But in any case I gave my word and I didn't keep it.

Whether Erin and I are friends or not, I'm upset with myself. I'm sure I'll get over it, nbd.

7/15/2013, 5:45pm - Lance
A dilemma to be sure. Just take your worries up with you on the Giant Drop and leave em up there. Well take care of it. [[grin emoticon]]

7/15/2013, 5:46pm - Missy
[[smile emoticon]]

7/15/2013, 6:07pm - Missy
Except, the thing is that you tagged yourself. If you look it says who tagged the photo. So, just so you know I know. And I dont appreciate being lied to [[unsure emoticon]] Just sayin'.

7/15/2013, 6:08pm - Lance
Mmm caught. I only said it because my mom asked me to. I apologize for the lying but it was easier to say she did then explain to her why I couldn't.

Hopefully, you aren't too mad about it. [[frown emoticon]]

I should have been honest.

For whats it's worth I also wanted to since I really like the picture. I feel like a shit head now. I'll try to make it up to you. [[frown emoticon]]

7/15/2013, 6:22pm - Missy
But I'm pretty sure you *already* explained to her why you couldn't. At least that's what you told me. So, another lie perhaps? What I think happened: She posted the pic yesterday, and at that time you respected my request to not have it displayed. However, when I inquired about it today, you got excited and something triggered to make you think "Fuck it. She didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't feel ashamed and I wanna show off what a great time we had. “That’s *your* opinion, and its *your* fb. I get that. I just would have much rather you been a jerk by saying "Hey, I don't care if you're trying to avoid unnecessary drama with your friend on top of everything else you've got going on in your personal life, I like it and I'm gonna post it anyway" vs. you being a jerk by lying to me. Twice. [[unsure emoticon]]

7/15/2013, 6:24pm – Missy
I'm really not all that pissed, just, I dunno.. disappointed.

7/15/2013, 6:27pm – Lance
Well in an attempt to be honest now, you've got a pretty good handle on what I did. I don't know what to say. I'm all types of distraught now. What can I do to make it better? Obviously, I can't go back and undo it. But is there I can anything I can do now? I was just pretty geeked about the whole past week and a half. I'm so sorry I fucked it up. I don't know why I did it. I thought about how many of my friends would be happy for me being out having a good time with my mom and a pretty girl. I overlooked the severity of what I was actually doing. I think it also had something to do with the fact that I am upset about the fact that I am a problem.

7/15/2013, 6:33pm – Lance
Truth be told I'm mesmerized by you. Have been from the first time I met you. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or what to say to you. All I know is that I'm an amateur. I am trying to gauge where I am, where you are, and what that means with respect to what i'm supposed to do. Nevermind I wouldn't have any idea if there were no other extenuating circumstances. All I do know is that I really enjoy spending time with you.

7/15/2013, 6:43pm – Missy
I understand why you did it. Its Ok, we are human. I forgive you.

It's really not *that* big of a deal. What's done is done, there's no undoing or fixing it. Just moving forward and past it. In an attempt to find a silver lining in the matter, it's probably for the best. I'm a very openminded and understanding person, but of ALL things *ever* to really cross my personal line, is to lie. So in doing so, I'm probably just going to keep an emotional distance. It's for the better because we've kinda got a vibe going on, and I am in NO place to be vibing with anyone, for the mutual party's best interest. So, the only "damage" done at this point is just putting the breaks on something that needs to go slow anyway. I'm Still interested in getting to know you, I'll just be doing so cautiously. Ya dig?

7/15/2013, 6:44pm – Lance
I'm pretty sure I got it. So are we still going to ride rollercoasters?

Cuz I was pretty excited. [[frown emoticon]]

7/15/2013, 6:47pm – Missy
Of course we are fool [[tongue emoticon]] I just demand respect, cuz I give the same [[wink emoticon]]

7/15/2013, 6:53pm – Lance
Whew. You shall have nothing but. I know you said you forgive me but I assure you I won't forget it anytime soon. I'm going to go take a nap and try to wind down before work. I can't tell you how bad I just felt. Like in my bones bad. Sorry again and thank you for realizing I'm just as good at doing dumb things as saying smart things.

7/15/2013, 6:55pm - Missy
Just keep it real and we're all gravy. [[smile emoticon]] Get some rest. I'll ttyl

- - - - - - - - - -
PRESENT

So, when THIS happened recently, naturally I was exasperated….
- - - - - - - - - -

CIRCA FIRST TWO WEEKS NOVEMBER 2015

"Hey love, was class cancelled today?"

".....no, why?"

"Oh well I thought you were home this afternoon so I assumed maybe it got cancelled."

"...nope. Not cancelled."

"oh. ...so... you weren’t home this afternoon?

"No"

"huh....well our computer says that you were home today"

"Oh yea, well I get a break in between two classes and I did run home today."

"Oh that makes sense. What time is break?"

"10:15 1230"

"So what time were you home?"

"Like, 1045 12"

"So you were only here from 1045 to 12?"

"Yea"

"That’s odd. The computer says you were home from 10:301:50"

"What do you mean the computer? Like, the browsing history?"

"Yea. So, you were only here from 104512?"

"Uh huh"

"Then why would the browsing history say that you were here until 1:50?"

"I don’t know what to tell ya."

At this point my husband went to the garage to have a cigarette. I’m confused.

Is he lying to me? No, he wouldn’t.

.......Would he? Why would our browser history show activity if he wasn’t home? Maybe the history is logged with Google and syncs from whatever device he was using? Maybe he was gaming from class? I wouldn’t think that his tablet could handle League.... This isn’t adding up.

My husband came back inside and sat down with our children on the dining room floor. I had to ask again.

"Hey Lance? Are you sure you were only here until 12? Is that really the answer you want to stick with?" I chimed sweetly, being mindful not to cave into my bad habit of being defensive in my tone.

.....No response....

"Lance?" I said, a little louder this time, but just as sweetly.

"WHAT?!?!" He barked at me from the other room.

"Seriously? I’m just trying to figure this out with you and you’re acting like IM the asshole?"

"What?" he repeated with a calmer demeanor

"Is that the answer that you want to stick with? That you were only here until 12?"

"FINE! I was home."

"You lied to me????? I can’t believe you would LIE to me?! WHY would you lie to me?"

"I wanted to tell you as soon as you mentioned the computer, but I didn’t. I had already lied, and I’m sorry."

"You KNEW that this is unacceptable! Lance, you KNEW that I LITERALLY ENDED A MARRIAGE over this before. You KNEW that of ALL the things that could ever truly hurt me, that lying is the one. It’s not like this is news to you. We already did this dance."

"I know. I’m sorry. I know why I didn’t tell you the truth. I wanted to avoid confrontation. I knew that you were going to be upset about it since I should’ve came and picked up the kids, but I took"

"Well by choosing to avoid confrontation, you’ve chosen to destroy our marriage. I’m done. As soon as these boys are old enough, I’m gone."

But even as the words were slipping past my teeth, I knew that wasn’t the right answer. I needed an answer, so I went within.

Seriously? I can’t believe I’m here again. WHY do people lie to me?

Because they don’t want you to know the truth...duuuuuhhhhh....

Um, obvs. Smartass. But WHY??

Girl, your standards and expectations of yourself and others are really, really high. Just the other day you called yourself lazy because you said you should’ve been standing up to paint instead of sitting so it could be more precise. Yea, you’re crafting on top of working on top of parenting on top of twinning and you say you’re LAZY because you want to sit while you paint? Giiiiirrrrrlllllll. Cut everyone some slack.

Yea. I can see that. I will work ore on that. This is obviously a lesson that I’m just not learning....Lessons repeat until the reaction is right. I’m not reacting the way I need to. I need to react differently. What do I do every time this happens? What is my natural response?

Run. You run. You’re a runner.

It was in this moment that I remembered the conversation I had with my dad about my
Ex-husband lying to me.

"Do. You. Love. Him?"

"WHAT'S LOVE HAVE TO DO WITH IT, DAD?!"

- - - - - - - - - -

PRESENT

I had already known that was supposed to be writing. And I knew that I needed to be healing. But I didn’t feel that blogging was necessarily the avenue for that anymore. I had actually considered deleting the whole thing entirely a few times, but there was always this tiny big voice pressing me not to. As far as healing, I couldn’t quite pinpoint the avenue. I didn’t feel like I really belonged in the Infertility community while I can understand, sympathize, and empathize, I don’t feel like I deserve to be an advocate. I got pregnant pretty much right away after even confirming infertility, without medical treatment, and with a man that I didn’t even necessarily want to have a child with but was willing to commit to seeing me through the journey. I think that story would stir more resentment than hope. If I were to put myself in the shoes I can hear my own infertile inside me griping, “What is she even whining about?! Everything worked out brilliantly for her! Wah, Wah, Wah.” And the same applies to the NICU experience and having premature twins. Although it was a challenging experience, they were basically just feeder/growers. They only needed to learn to breathe/suck/swallow, maintain body temperature, and grow. Whereas too many other suffer from brain bleeds, respiratory issues, vision impairment, and so forth. Again, while I can understand, sympathize, and empathize, I don’t feel like I’m the right person to be an advocate. And I feel like my story is a much grander one one for all of humanity.

My story. .....my story... what is my story? How does this ALL come together?

It wasn’t until the correlation of those two points of my life that I understood what I had to share.

"What does love have to do with it?!" I heard my younger voice inside my head, barking back at my dad.

Love has EVERYTHING to do with it. Love is the answer.

And that’s when a light went on. My lesson to share is one of consciously choosing love.

I didn’t do that with my ex-husband – I was far too young and still needed to learn to love my SELF unconditionally. With the “lost” lover that sparked my insatiable desire to have a family, the love I experienced was so unconditional, so deep, and so true. A love that I did not choose, but one that continues to choose me.

I’ve read that once in a lifetime someone breaks your heart, and if you still feel to hold that person with every broken piece, that amazing pain is called…..True Love. I often (understatement) wondered why that feeling still lingered so resolutely - If I was truly on the right path. Did I make the wrong choice? Did I carelessly allow The One to get away? Why would everything have fallen into place so perfectly if this wasn’t the right choice? Why would it feel right if it wasn’t right? I KNOW this was the right choice. I know my intuition. I know everything is in Divine Order. …Then WHY must I still feel this way?! No matter how much I bless it and let it go, it still comes back like a boomerang. Why does it keep coming back??? This is a first for me.

It was only through my husband lying to me and learning that personal lesson that I was able to recognize the VAST contrast between a love that is a challenge to choose and trust, with a love I am eternally powerless to and have relinquished myself to. It was only then that I was able to understand why I still harbored those consuming infinite feelings. It was then within that discovery that I was able to appreciate the message I was receiving – choose love.

MY message is to Choose LOVE.

No matter how broken, confused, or damaged you may feel, you can still chose love.

I cannot tell you the depth of the heartache of "losing" that love. I say "losing" because it never really left and I know it never will. It is a love that cannot be expressed with words - there is no combination of twenty six different letters that could ever accurately capture even a sliver of what this feeling is. It can only be felt in the soul. Intoxicating, soul shaking, novel worthy love - penetrated with intimacy and passion blazing so fierce that “50 Shades of Grey” would be more like “50 Shades of Underwhelming” (or at least I would assume. I’ve had no interest in spending 2h9m in a lustful, longing limbo so I have not seen it). The kind of love that everyone is seeking and only happens once in a lifetime…maybe. "The kind of love that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more. The kind of love that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." – Nicholas Sparks

It seems like an obvious lesson – to choose love. Some people you love are loved without reason or question – Like your mom, dad, sibling, friend or spouse. Other people take painstaking effort to love. …..like your mom, dad, sibling, friend, or spouse. However obvious, it is still not easy. This story is a beautiful one, an intriguing one. Riddled with passion, synchronicities, and miracles - it is a curious and alluring adventure. And perhaps this tale is even a relatable one. Through being humble and honest with myself and with my readers, I hope to open humanity’s eyes to love with leading by example.

But how does one even go about writing a memoir? What is too personal to share? Where do the boundaries lay of what are is permissible and what is not? This isn’t just my story to share. There are many characters both past and present that play pivotal roles and even if I changed everyone's names, they'd still know who they are. How do I not breech their privacy? And what about all of my unspoken truths? Like the fact that I cried every single day for my "lost" love (at least up until my boys' 1st birthday) in one form or another whether it be snot oozing ugly faced sobbing in a heap on the floor because the ravenous yearning was too great to bear, or simply a single tear shed while visiting a happy memory? Or how much resentment I felt towards my husband and our marriage because it felt like a circumstantial obligation rather than butterflies and goosebumps? I feel these are important details that need to be shared to fully comprehend the depth and contrast, but what if it hurts? It’s not like my husband didn’t know that I was head over heels in love before him and that I was committed to protecting that love...

- - - - - - - - - -

APRIL 2013 FACEBOOK CORRESPONDENCE

4/16/2013, 10:48am Lance
So this is going to be completely random but recently came across something that I thought might interest you. Sorry if it's creepy but I pretty much peruse your profile for my daily dose of positivity and general awesome. As such I noticed you have a bit of a penchant for zombies and the like. Also noticed that you are no longer doing physical training in an official capacity. Well...Run For Your Lives is being held on September 21st in Byron. I'm assuming you know what it is but if not you should check the website by the same name. I'm pretty geeked about doing it but I can't tell you the last time I did cardio. I was wondering if you would at all be interested in being a running buddy/trainer/whatever with me. It'd be a morning thing but I can't think of a better person to ask. Let me know what you think.

4/16/2013, 11:21am Missy
Oh my GAH, Lance that seriously looks SO AWESOME! I've been thinking about doing a marathon or triathlon or something of those sorts, but I am also *not* a runner or a big cardio person at ALL. lol I honestly wouldn't even know where to begin training for something like that, but do have friends who do these on a regular and I could certainly ask them for advice. I've been trying to get back into the gym on a consistent basis and just don't have any motivation. My 'goto' for motivation has always been competition, but that is just so consuming and incredibly vanity oriented and I don't want to go down that road, but rather just be more health focused. Anywho, I'm rambling and the point I'm trying to make is, yes that seems very fitting! Although to be completely honest and very blunt zombies freak me the fu*k out!!! Like, its seriously not natural or justified how worked up I get over zombies. LOL I don't know if I could really handle something like that. But I will look into it more and what it would entail because it looks wicked cool. Thanks for thinking of me!

4/16/2013, 11:29am Lance
So an immediate thought I have is...If they scare you so bad maybe you really won't have to worry that much. As they say...I run faster scared then you do mad. I'm pretty much in the same boat as far as the motivation thing goes. But I DO know that this 5k is def not about vanity. Pretty sure it's about gettin mud where mud don't go. And jukin some undead outta their socks. Plus for what its worth it seemed like a convenient way to try to hang out with you.

4/16/2013, 11:45am Missy
Right?! Perhaps I don't even need to train. LOL btw, I was looking at the website for general frequently asked questions and how should one train for the race? The answer: Run. Watch zombie movies. Run some more. Haha. Yea, it definitely seems like a legit motivation to train for something that isn't about physique appearance. It really does look like a lot of fun and right up my alley. And for what its worth, I'm flattered. But in case that is intended as anything more than a friendlycommoninteresthangout, I am seeing somebody that I am absolutely crazy about smile emoticon

4/16/2013, 11:52am Lance
Good for you. Hope they're crazy back. Offer still stands. Wasn't really looking for more than friends thing but wasn't opposed either. Just nice having people with positive mindsets around in whatever capacity. But knowing that I understand why it might be a bit weird. Either way. Figured I should at least ask. Enjoy the rest of your day.

4/16//2013, 12:04pm Missy
Thank you, me too [[smile emoticon]] Well then as long as we are on the same page, and if he isn't opposed or uncomfortable, I'm still very interested. I think it would be great to have a training partner with the same attitude and mindset to keep me accountable. What time in the morning were you thinking of training? Thank you, you too! About time we had some decent weather, hope you are able to enjoy it smile

4/18/2013, 10:57am Missy
Morning! So I found a few links that provide some information on how to start training for a 5k. This one seems great, "Couch to 5k" its a beginner's program, about 9 weeks. From there we can work up to something more advanced (and also incorporates more than just running such as strength training for the obstacles and such. Nice to have so much time to work with!

http://www.coolrunning.com/cgibin/moxiebin/bm_tools.cgi?print=181;s=2_3;site=1

However, I did just kind of want to throw it out there that after giving it some thought, I don't think it would be very wise to actually train together in person. I don't want to put myself in any position that would encourage any kind of doubt or suspicion in my relationship. I'm not saying that anything would come of it, I'm just saying its a risk I'm not willing to take. But I absolutely appreciate you considering me and would still like to help an such smile emoticon I hope you understand.

Hope you're not flooded out! Have a nice day smile emoticon

4/18/2013, 4:10pm Lance
Well not going to say I'm not a little disappointed but...Silver lining is that at least I can pull a compliment out of it. Like I said, I understand why it might not be a good idea. Given that people are sketchy in general kudos to you for identifying something that may cause unnecessary stress and avoiding it. Thanks for the link/info. I wish you the best of luck with you and the beau. Not to sound contradictory but if there comes a point where it wouldn't be an issue I'd still like to have a friendly face to share in the misery that is running. But as I said, thanks and good luck. grin emoticon

4/18/2013, 4:18pm Missy
Yea, me too. Was definitely looking forward to having a partner to hold each other accountable, but if I put the shoe on the other foot and myself in his position, I most certainly wouldn't be comfortable with that kind of consistent bonding with another person of the opposite sex, regardless of the type of relationship/being just fitness oriented. i just feel it is respectful. Thank you for understanding. smile emoticon And absolutely, I'm always just a click away! Good luck to you too!

- - - - - - - - - -

PRESENT

But just because he knew that love was there while we were together, just because he knew my heart ached profoundly when we broke up, he didn’t know that it continued to remain with me not only remain but GROW because there is no escaping it. He may have suspected these things, but they were never discussed between us. Maybe I should have told him? Maybe he will be hurt to know have validation of these feelings that I was diligently trying to navigate through but didn’t share with him? Was it wrong of me not to share my strife? I didn’t want to share it. It was mine. They were MY emotions and they were MY lessons to learn. I knew I shouldn’t be feeling those things love for my ex who made it clear he didn’t want to hear from me, and resentment towards my husband who has been nothing but a supportive partner and teammate through multiple (twin pun intended) epic life experiences. I was doing the best I could to work through these feelings. I recognized them and took responsibility for them. I made conscious effort to "right" my "wrong" way of thinking to understand why I was feeling what I was and to heal it before burdening anyone else with it. I had and still have the best intent for the highest and greatest good for all. And although I’m certain he will understand, as he has always been understanding, I’m not confident that these unspoken truths won’t be absorbed without some sting. It’s not like he didn’t know going into this. Nobody lied to him. He didn’t pick the wrong woman, he just picked a woman that already met the man she was certain she was meant to be with and she already gave her heart to him.

Then there's that as well. What will happen if my ex ever catches wind of the book? I can change all the names I want, there will be no mistaking identity, and the last tangible correspondence I’ve received from him was an email over a year ago that read, "Can you stop contacting me regardless of anything in the future, and talking about me and my daughter in public on the internet or facebook or wherever. I don't appreciate it and would like it to be removed and stopped for good. I don't like it, and would like it to stay in the past from here on out and don't wan't to deal with any more of this bullshit ever again. Stop talking about me or my kid, Stop contacting me it's time to move on."

Not only would I be blatantly disrespecting his wishes, if that’s how he truly feels it would it be absolutely mortifying to me for him to learn I still feel this way even after all this time. Not only him, but what would the rest if the world think? That I’m a crazy "Overly Attached Girlfriend"? I’m embarrassed at my inability to let it go. And to be quite honest, I don’t really want to. There's something about it that just feels like home.

Sometimes you reside somewhere you absolutely love, but circumstances force you move. If you’ve ever dwelled within a home you love, just because you move it doesn’t mean you want the home to be demolished. No. I bet you want that home to remain just as you remember it perhaps with some upgrades and TLC, but the foundation and bones carrying the same loving memories. I bet you’d even like to drive by and see how it’s doing; see how the new owners have kept it up and what changes were made. But just because you don’t want it demolished, doesn’t mean that you are expecting to move back in - You've accepted that you turned over your key and have signed a new lease.

And finally, ultimately a memoir is a factual story based on someone’s life. But what are facts other than truths? And what is truth other than one’s own perception of a fact? For example, the fact could be that someone said to you, “Just so you know” and in their perception they said it with courtesy, when your perception of that phrase is that it inherently carries a negative connotation to it because it is generally tacked on to a statement to imply that the information given is a simple courtesy when in reality there are specific expectations of the receiver that they have this information. Two completely opposite perceptions – but the same fact. What if I have it all wrong? What if my perception of the facts was distorted?

Regardless of doubt, I knew I had a story to share. The Universe even manifested a (free) laptop so I could write anywhere as the story struck me within days of figuring out what the purpose was. So I started to write. And all I had gotten down on my laptop was the first excerpt you read at the beginning of this post. And I got stuck. Even with the encouragement to write this book, because of the concerns I shared above I was still hesitant to continue.

But I kept writing it in my head.

Then one night, as I was sitting on the couch half watching television and half penning a mental memoir – pondering the kinds of love I’ve known – a Kay’s commercial caught my eye.

This is like the 4th time tonight I’ve seen this. How many times are they gonna air this thing?!

“Being in love is a wonderful thing. Being in love with your best friend is everything. Celebrate your life together with the Ever Us two-stone diamond ring. One diamond for your best friend, and one diamond for your true love.”

Gaaaaaaaaggggggg. Gorgeous ring. I’d love it on my finger, but pretty sure both those diamonds aren’t applicable for me.

They COULD be if you CHOOSE it. – A voice within my head gently whispered in response.

So, I accepted the Universe’s offer, “Hmmmm, ok. Show me what you got.” I playfully antagonized right back. After all, my best friend manages the Kay’s store in town and I visit her often. I’ll at least check it out next time I go in.

- - - - - - - - - -

DECEMBER 6, 2015

“Hey Desa! You have that new two diamond ring in? I wanna play dress up.”

“Sure do! Christmas is right around the corner. Lance should totally get this for you.”

“Psssh, yea right. …..but just out of curiosity, how much would it be if we did a trade in?”

She crunched all the numbers and calculated the cost.

“Holy shit, that’s a deal and totally affordable! Except, I mean, honestly – I don’t even really want it unless he surprises me with it, and I don’t see how that’s going to happen if we’re trading in the set I already own.”

“Seriously? You don’t want it unless it’s a surprise?”

“Well I mean obviously I want it – what girl doesn’t want nearly 2 carats of bling on one finger? But it’s not worth the expense to me if it’s just a material object. I don’t want the diamonds as much as I want the consideration. I want him to be thoughtful. Ya know, show a lil sentiment.”

“How about this? I’ll shoot him a text saying that you were ‘really interested in it when you came to visit today, so I crunched some numbers and wanted to run it by you in case you wanted to surprise her for Christmas!’ And as for how to make it a ‘surprise’ I could tell him that I’ll tell you that your wedding set is in desperate need of re-plating with all the wear and tear. I mean obviously you’ll know, but that way he thinks he’s surprising you.”

“That sounds perfect! But is it really a surprise though? If I know he’s surprising me?”

“Suuuuuure it is. Some guys just need a lil nudge.”

A nudge. I need to do my part.

It is an extremely rare occasion that Lance and I ever exchange those 3 words. I can literally count on one hand the number of times I’ve said it to him over the course of the last couple years. It always made me very uncomfortable. But that’s where change and growth occur – outside of your comfort zone. So I sent him a text attached to a pic of our boys that said "Love You".

“Thanks love you too. We need to talk diamonds when I get home.”

You too? YOU TOO?!?! Every time Tara responded “You too” to Jax on Sons of Anarchy, Lance would always harp about how wrong that was of her. That she must not really love him. What am I supposed to make of that?! And I guess so much for a surprise. Oh well.

Hey now. You don’t know that for certain. Don’t create that reality. Give it a chance. Go with the flow.

So I did. When he got home he told me that Desa got a hold of him, yada, yada, yada, and we discussed finances and such.

Seeeeeee, he was being considerate by consoling with you. That’s a big chunk o’ change.

“So, you really like it? Do you want it?”

“Ya know, I kept seeing it, and keep being drawn to it, so I just put it out there to the Universe that I did want it, so Im just kinda seeing what comes of that.”

“Ok”

- - - - - -

DECEMBER 7, 2015

I went to visit Desa on my lunch break and we talked about it:

“So he talked to me about you getting ahold of him. So much for a surprise….” As the words were coming out of my mouth I remembered the voice in my head (A ‘Deceased” love one? A Spirit Guide? God? Myself? My Higher self?) reminding me about creating my reality and going with the flow. That’s when I recognized why I was so bummed about this ‘surprise’ that I desired...

“….Did you know – as embarrassing as it is to admit – that I’ve technically been engaged 3 times, but I’ve NEVER been proposed to?”

“What?! Are you serious???”

“Yea,” I let out with a disappointed sigh. “I guess you could say I’m a little bitter about it. I mean, how much does someone have to fuck up to be engaged 3 times and never proposed to? I just want to feel chosen.”

“Welll….               …I could suggest to him that he proposes again. Something like, ‘Hey, you know how sweet it would be if you like, proposed to her again when you gave this to her. You could say something like, ‘Even after all we’ve been through and having twins, I’d still do it with you all over again.’”

“OhMyGah. Yes. But is this really what I want? Is it really a surprise if I know that he’s proposing?”

“Yes. Because what he says to you and how he does it will be all his own. It will be special.”

“Yea. No, yea. You’re right.”

“I got you, girl.”

- - - - - - - - - -

Over the following days Lance and Desa continued arrangements and the ring was ordered. When I went to bring in my old set to trade, I tried on The Ring again. I started feeling a smidge of giddiness. I handed it back over to Desa.

“Alright. I’m going to get this sent in for solder and sizing. This will be the last time you see it until he gives it to you. I’ll be calling him when it comes in.”

Is this really going to happen? Am I going to say Yes? If I’m being honest with myself I probably wouldn’t’ve said yes if he proposed in the beginning. Of course I’ll say yes. He’s good to me. We’re good together. So what if we are more friends than lovers - We make a great team. He’s great with our children. They ADORE their daddy.

A smile came across my face as I imagined the multitude of ways he might present the ring to me……all of the things he could say.

Now, now. No expectations. It will be perfect no matter how it turns out. Go with the flow.

Over the following weeks I started to feel lighter. Giddy. Excited. The thoughts of feeling wanted, desired, admired, adored, assured…..        …..finally.

I think I see, Spirit. Maybe this is to help me get over the last bit of lingering resentment? Did I ace my lesson? Do I finally get to be IN love?

Patience.

- - - - - - - - - -

CIRCA DAYS PRIOR TO CHRISTMAS 2015

“Hey love, Desa got a hold of me today. Your ring is in.” Lance said to me.

My stomach sank as I let go of hope.

“Oh? Wish I would’ve known – I was just over on that side of town, I could’ve picked it up. You mind if I run back out later and get it? Or you can if you want.”

“That’s ok. I can go get it.”

I picked back up a tiny piece of hope. Maybe, just maaaaaaybe he’ll still say something really sweet when he gives it to me.

Eeek! He’s back!

“Merry Christmas!” he said as he nonchalantly handed the ring box to me.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob.

So much for the whole best friend and lover thing.

And then suddenly I felt so ungrateful and unappreciative.

Shut up. Quittchyo Bitchin and just be grateful.

What do I really have to be so distraught about? He’s a decent man and a great father. That’s what I want for my children. And as I looked down at the TWO diamonds on my finger I saw our two children.

You came together for the children. You’ve known this.

Yes, Spirit, I understand. That makes sense.

I mean, how could I write a book about choosing love if I fall in love? But, now it feels like I don’t have an ending to my book. I think I need more time to really choose love before I can write about it. I need to write from personal experience. But I feel like I’m supposed to be writing NOW.

You are. Don’t worry about the ending. Just write. The story is still unfolding. You can write it as it unfolds.

Suddenly I heard a small portion of lyrics to a song in my head. I dismissed it.

- - - - - - - - - -

JANUARY 4, 2016

Text from Desa: Good morning! What time do you want us over tonight?

We had made plans for her, her husband, and daughter to come over for Lasagna and to celebrate a belated Christmas. When they arrived I said to her, “You know what’s crazy? So I went out yesterday and got everything for dinner and asked Lance to get it started before I got home since it’s like, a 3 hour dish, but when I got to work I saw on my calendar that I had put this down for tomorrow, not today.”

“Hahaha. Good thing it worked out! I wonder why you had it for tomorrow?”

“Well you said the 5th.”

“What? Did I? I’m pretty sure I said the 4th.”

“Nnnnnnnno, I’m certain I would’ve remembered if you said the 4th. Actually, you know what, you said Monday the 5th. I think all that really stuck out to me was the date, not the day.”

Later in the evening we were enjoying some girl time while the dads kept the children corralled.

“So, I think this book that I’m writing is really coming together,” and I explained the series of events that led to that conclusion. “But I only have like, the first paragraph actually written down.”

“WOW. Girl. You HAVE to write that down. Even if it’s just that. Just start writing.”

I took a moment to myself to note how much her words resounded with me.

OK, Spirit. I got the message - I’ll write!

“I bet you even have a title for it.”

I DO.

Again, her words resounded with me – she said it so matter of factly. But I brushed it off as feelings lingering from her last remark.

“I DO, actually. It’s called “The Book of US”. It actually came from a poem that I wrote a long, long time ago. I was maybe, 19? 20? I was surprised when it popped up in my head cuz it’s not even really related, but it just felt right.”

{{flashback to moment of choosing book title}}

I need a name for my book. What is my book called?

Immediately “The Book of Us” came to mind.

Really?? Well that’s pretty random. Are you sure? That’s like you’re all time most favorite poem you’ve written. Do you REALLY want to use the same title as it for your book?

Yes. That’s the name of the book. The Book of Us.

Huh. Ok. Well, yea…love….lessons….humanity….we’re all connected….US….ok

{{flashback over]]

I continued, “I thought since the message I am trying to relay is choosing love, and since I feel it’s a grand message for all of humanity, that it was fitting. Do you wanna hear the poem?”

“Hell yea!”

“This Distortion
Is of Epic Proportion.
Just slit my wrists
And throw me a bone.
Cuz here I am again
Sitting at home…
Alone…
In the rain
With all this pain
And this stain
On my sleeves
Where my heart likes to be.
Will I ever be free
From these bars?
Will these scars
Ever heal?
Will it ever be real?
This fantasy I’ve created?
After every jerk that I’ve dated.
After being so manipulated.
After every tear that I’ve shed.
After all that my heart has bled.
These wounds are open
And sore.
I’ve been ripped
I’ve been torn.
Is there a man actually worthy
Of being adored?
Worthy of my attention?
Worthy of my affection?
Can it be true?
I’m so sick of this flu.
So sick of this game.
I want to be tamed.
I want to be mended.
I want to be lended
A shoulder to cry on.
A love to rely on.
I want a blind trust.
Where honesty is a must
and where communication is key.
I want it so fierce
I drop to my knees.
I’m so sick of this disease.
So sick of being dangled
and misled…
Of being fucked with my head.
I’m so sick of it all.
This is my last call.
I’m starting to fall
I’m starting to slip
And I feel myself rip.
And it seems so impossible
That there’s still anything
Left to destroy…
After all of the ploys.
I’m not a fucking toy
And this isn’t a game
To be played.
I don’t have time
to be delayed
From what I desire…
To be admired.
To be adored.
To be assured
Of a LOVE
That is TRUE.
Oh, what do I do
About this terrible flu?
It’s made me sick for years
And it’s caused all these tears
To fall.
I’m climbing these walls.
Let me out of this cage.
I’m barely controlling my rage.
Will I ever finish this page
And start a new chapter?
One where I can discover
What my heart is truly after…
And let the story be told
And let it unfold
And read all about my destiny
With him next to me
By my side
Where I don’t have to hide
And I don’t have to seek
And I don’t feel so bleak
Or feel so used
And abused.
A story where I’m not an object
Or a ‘back up plan’.
Is there really a man
Whose story is also unfinished?
A man who feels so diminished?
A man who will write
This book with me
And our story can be
A never ending one
Where the sun
Kisses our skin
And we erase all our sins
Together
We can win
This battle
Win this game
Without shame
Without fear
Without ever again
Shedding a tear
Out of sadness
Or madness.
Where we can look
Ahead with joy…
And excitement…
Oh, the enticement
Of a new chapter
In the Book Of Us.”

“Wooooow. You wrote that?! How long did it take you to write that?”

“Maybe 10 minutes? I’m not sure. It just came out of me like I already knew it during some emotional upheaval.”
I flashed back to the moment I wrote that poem. I was 2 bottles of wine into the movie “The Notebook” and had just watched the scene where Noah and Allie reunite in a passionate embrace after discovering that he had written her every day for a year, and that it was never really over for either of them.

Again, I heard a song in my head. Again, I dismissed it.

- - - - - - - - - -

JANUARY 9, 2016

My husband and I had appointments booked in advance the day prior at a Spa for a Reiki session for me, a Sauna session for him, and an hour session in the Sensory Deprivation float tank for both of us. I was so looking forward to both as it was my intent to align my chakras before meditating on writing the book. I kept hearing Desa’s words from the other night, “You HAVE to write that down. Even if it’s just that. Just start writing.” But I needed direction. I needed encouragement. I needed my guides to intervene.

There was a lady that worked there who caught my attention. Her energy pulled me towards her. I liked her. She felt familiar.

Do I know her from somewhere?? Has she came to church before?? Oh. Erica. She reminds me of Erica.

However, there was a SNAFU with the scheduling and my appointment was double booked. The woman who shared my booking was clearly a repeat customer who felt entitled to keep her session with the Reiki Master. Something about the whole ordeal seemed ‘off’, which usually means that I need to turn ‘on’. I had been quiet and patient for the 35 minutes it had taken them so far, but was starting to get upset that I probably wasn’t going to get the appointment I was so looking forward to.

Be still. Go with the flow.

They finally got everything ‘figured out’ and sent me back for my Reiki session, which to my pleasant surprise, was with the woman I felt drawn to when we arrived. As the session began, I could tell she wasn’t a Reiki Master. I could see what they did to ‘figure it out’ which was to stick the repeat customer with the Master and the newb, who’s never had a session before, with someone else – probably figuring I’d be none the wiser. I started to get frustrated again…

You’re supposed to be here. She’s supposed to be here. Everything is in Divine Order.

At the time of the session, I was pretty dismissive of her messages – I had decided that she knows Reiki, but wasn’t a Master, so I was probably there because I was familiar with energy and healing and she needed more practice with someone who was going to give her feedback. My ego was in the way of me understanding in the moment, and as such my descriptions of some of my chakra messages are vague.

Crown Chakra – Bright. Beautiful. Glowing.
Third Eye Chakra – “Lots and lots of purple. You’re intuition is strong. Similar to Crown Chakra - am very connected to source. (I confirmed that I had also seen Seas of Purple, and began getting excited again about the session.)
Throat Chakra – “You have something that needs to be said. But don’t use logic. You’re focusing too much on logic – you need to just go with the flow.” (She pretty much lost me here. “How generic….Of all people to tell to go with the flow…” my ego grumbled.)
Heart Chakra – “WOW. You have beautiful wings. They are gorgeous. White. Full. But on the underneath there’s just a little bit of dirt. Not much. There is something that you need to let go of. (Honey, my whole life has been an act of letting go. I’ve let go as much as I can.) “Hmm, I’ll have to mediate on it.” I said to her.
Solar Plexus – I don’t remember this one. I was still stuck on figuring out what I was supposed to let go of and getting hard on myself for not doing a good enough job of it.
Sacral Chakra – “I’m getting the feeling of the loss of a child. A deep, deep pain.” (Immediately I piped up about being infertile) “That makes sense. I was thinking maybe a miscarriage, but it didn’t feel like a pregnancy loss.” (I confirmed with her that I’ve never miscarried). “But I did get the feeling that it’s going to be alright.” (At this point I tell her that it already was alright and told her the story of my twin boys.) “Incredible! What a story! It’s still going to be alright,” she grimaced.

Base Chakra – “WOW! Lots and lots and lots of light. Huge. This is huge. You see synchronicities, but they are going to start just flying at you. Boom. Boom. Boom. I feel like you’re almost going to be knocked back by how big this is. Go with the flow. Just go with the flow. See the synchronicities. See the magic. This life is so magical and there are synchronicities all around us. You’re going to see the magic in your life. (“Oh, yes. Every day. Every day I try to remain open to the beauty and wonderment.” I was almost gritting my teeth because I felt it to be so generic. I don’t know why my ego was making such an appearance.) “Good. That’s good. But this. This is going to be big. This is HUGE. Just go with the flow. Allow. You’re going to be in awe of the magic.”

After we were done at the spa, we went out to dinner and headed home. On our way home I was informed that Church was cancelled the next day due to possible weather, so that means that I didn’t have to get up early to chair service.

Once we got home and got the kids to bed, we watched some TV in the basement. I was starting to fall asleep on the couch. Like every other night of the week, my husband woke me to say goodnight before he went upstairs. I starting to drift back off to sleep when I suddenly had to pee.
- - - - - - - - - -

EXCERPT JANUARY 10, 2016

Uuuuugh. I don’t wanna get up.

And normally, I don’t.

GO. PEE.

Ok. Jeez.

I went to the bathroom, and then I never went back to sleep. I was up. I mean UP.

Well, now what?

WRITE.

MmmMm….. how about some interwebs instead.

WRITE.   WRITE.  Psssssst. You need to WRITE.

I tried to ignore the voice until I realized it was 4 a.m. and I wasn’t going to sleep until I wrote SOMETHING. I didn’t know how to transition from that first entry into the next. In fact, I didn’t even know what was next. So I decided to heed the advice of some random Google search on “How To Write a Memoir” and just pick an event in the timeline and write about it.
Just go with the flow.

And I flowed until 11 a.m. when my children and husband finally woke up. And I flowed all day and into the night. I tried to lay down for a cat nap, but only made it about 20 minutes with my eyes closed. I just was not tired. Late that evening I felt in a fog. I felt ON, but distorted. I was neither here nor there. I was simply everywhere. And I was nowhere. I was on the outside. Suddenly, I thought of Beetlejuice and the scene in which Adam and Barbara still haven’t realized that they are dead. I felt like I was like them – somewhere in between dimensions. Right at the cusp of the veil.

Did I die?   This is intense. What is this? Its smooth. Its still. Am I dead?

“I’m half alive, but I am mostly dead,”   More song lyrics?  I know that song. What song is that?

- - - - - - - - - -

JANUARY 11, 2016

Monday morning Desa texted me and asked if we could get together that night instead of Thursday. I felt like she must really need to talk to me about something.

The whole day was just abundant with synchronicities. I was guided to look at things I would have no reason to look at. I started making connections. And more connections. And more connections. I felt foggy. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what I thought I was seeing.

I got to Desa’s that evening and we did our girly thing. I started sharing with her the connections I was seeing, but I couldn’t decide if I was really seeing them or just wanting to see them.

“So I was reading some article on blogging and a section off to the side caught my eye that read something along the lines of “Get to know your readers! If you're not doing this one thing, you're missing out!” and it was talking about looking at direct link traffic to your website. So I thought, Hey that could be interesting! Oh, direct traffic is people who come directly to your website via either a saved bookmark or typing in the address specifically - not from a referral like Facebook or web search or something. Well, when I did it was showing things like direct traffic coming from multiple different countries - multiple times. Regularly. I had just deleted an old blog because I noticed that it kept getting page views that mostly came from searches for one of the Mediums’ names specifically, so that's who I assumed it was and didn't want that energy lingering around my space. But then the direct traffic thing on top of it made me want to dig deeper, so I started looking at my traffic in all sorts of different lights. Suddenly there was a pattern.   Look, do you see these dates? Look at how much traffic from different sources and how many sessions are around these dates. These are special dates, and they’re not special to everyone. Do you remember how I told you that my ex’s girlfriend had left some nasty comments on my blog a while ago? Dude, I think it’s her creeping me.”

“Really? When’s the last time you heard from her? Wasn’t that a while ago?”

“Yea. No, I haven’t heard from her in a while. But who else would be creeping my page on those dates?! ...except look at my birthday… holy shit. Look how many sessions. Does she even know my birthday? Even so, that takes it to a whole new level of creepiness.”

“You don’t think it could be *B do you?”

“Of course I thought that.”  And I went on to confess to her the many other recent synchronicities that I thought I might be seeing recently. “You know - you’re the ONLY one who knows these things. Dude, I haven’t even said anything to my mom and that is sooooo not like me.”

Because your mom already knows. Everybody knows. Just because nobody’s said anything doesn’t mean it’s unknown.

“Seriously? I’m the only one that knows? I feel special! You should totally put me in your blog.”

“Dude for sure. And you are special - I’ve known since the day I met you that you had a big role.”

“Oh yea?”

“Yea. I mean not only did we totally connect, I just started blurting out some of my deepest, personal synchronicities. When I did I was shocked with myself, but then I got the sensation that you needed to know. [Like you were my safe box - a vault. Storing all the things I couldn't store anywhere else.] I knew that you were going to be my validation. My proof.”

“Are you keeping track of all this? What if it all came true? People would lose their minds over this stuff.”

“Honey, IM losing MY mind over this stuff.”

She’s really on to something there. Of course the book is about the synchronicities.

“What do you thinks going to happen?”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean, ANY thing could happen. I could try to figure it out all I want but it’s going to be what it’s going to be and their plan [pointing my finger towards the sky] is faaaaaaar better than my plan. They always manage to blow my mind.”

“Well, what do you want to happen?”

“Honestly, whatever is for every one’s highest, greatest good. It could go this way. It could go that way. It could go the other way. Whichever which way, I’m just happy somethings happening.”

After I got home Monday night I couldn’t shake the feeling that something big was in the works. I got on Facebook and went to message my other closest friend, who happens to be his mom, only to discover that she no longer had a Facebook.

What??????? What, what whaaaaaaat?!?! Did she block me?? WHY would she block me?? This is off. Something is so totally going on here.

I picked up my phone to call her and immediately BOTH of my children woke up out of a dead sleep SCREAMING.

…OK Spirit. I got the message. I won’t call her. I won’t intervene. I won’t respond. I will be still. I will be present. I will just watch, allow, and go with the flow.

After we got them settled back into sweet slumber, I was still feeling bothered by ‘being blocked’.
Missy. DON’T WORRY. You KNOW damn well that you two have both come too far in your friendship for her to just walk away from you. When something seems off, turn on. Be still.

I was perusing the interwebs and making my regular rounds. Checking my email I had received a notification that SoandSo had repinned one of my pins just a couple hours prior. So I looked at it and immediately froze in disbelief.

Noooooooooo. This can’t be. No way. Really? WOW. WOOOOOOOOOOOW.

It seemed to be just for me. I mean, I knew it was my pin originally so obviously it resonated with me, but the caption the pinner had…. could’ve came straight from me, and only me…..

And so I looked closer. What else does this pinner have on that board? Within moments my stomach was doing flops, my heart was racing, my mind was numb, and my entire body being trembled with anticipation.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

No way.

It can’t be.

I’m looking for this.

See, look at that one, that’s not for me. Or that one. But THAT ONE. And omg, that one….

Missy, you’re crazy. You’re fucking losing your shit. Let it go.

But I couldn’t let it go. Of course I couldn’t.

This. What’s this pin? What are these lyrics? I’m searching Google for these lyrics.

Are you for fucking serious? You guys. I can’t even. You’re going to need to make this crystal fucking clear to me. This is huge. This is epic. I’m going to need to you [[guides]] to be clear.

I decided I’d had enough of a brain workout and settled in next to my husband on the couch before he went upstairs to bed.

- - - - - - - - - -

JANUARY 12, 2016
Next thing I knew I was wide the fuck awake. I felt urged to pop over to Pinterest

You guys, I NEED something Obvious.

Cripes Missy, those seem pretty obvious.

...and then...

I didn’t even know what to say to my guides. I was at a loss for words. I just sat there with my jaw dropped, mouth gaping open, in awe.

I need more reassurance.

Thank you Spirit. Let me sleep on this. I need sleep.

- - - - - - - - - -

JANUARY 13, 2016

I wonder….how far back do these personally relatable Pins go? been active on Pinterest?

A year? This was pinned a WHOLE YEAR AGO?!

……

Allie: Why didn't you write me? Why? It wasn't over for me, I waited for you for seven years. But now it's too late.

Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you every day for a year.

Allie: You wrote me?

Noah: Yes... It wasn't over, it still isn't over.
……

I was vaguely talking to my husband after work about my book and about synchronicities when he said to me something to me that I had already began to ponder, “Wouldn’t it be neat to see the synchronicities from other character’s viewpoints? And how they all line up over the same timeline?”

- - - - - - - - - -

JANUARY 14, 2016

I woke up and grabbed my phone and this was the first thing I saw.

Well if that couldn’t be any clearer…Ok, fine, I’ll go look

And as I was scrolling through my eyes suddenly shot over to the clock.

“7:34”

That’s the address of the home I grew up in all of my life, so for me when I see that number I usually associate it with feelings of home.

734? That’s not a typical angel number, that’s my home number - why have you been showing me this one so much lately?? What about home??

Look where you are.

What? Where? This Board? This board is home? Yeaaaa.... I'm going to need a bit more than that.

To which they responded with the same numbers, although a different order, on the clock for this pin.

Its a bit trixy to swipe screenshot pins :P lol

On my way to work, I was feeling anxious about finishing this “book”…or rather, these excerpts…chapters??

I have to finish it. I want to shout it from the rooftops.

Be still. It’s still unfolding.

I suddenly heard an excerpt from my poem:

“And let the story be told…And let it unfold”

I finished reciting it out loud. As I did my body trembled. Tears began streaming from my eyes, contrasting the uncontrollable smile beaming across my face.

“And read all about my destiny
With him next to me
By my side
Where I don’t have to hide
And I don’t have to seek
And I don’t feel so bleak
Or feel so used
And abused.
A story where I’m not an object
Or a ‘back up plan’.
Is there really a man
Whose story is also unfinished?
A man who feels so diminished?
A man who will write
This book with me
And our story can be
A never ending one
Where the sun
Kisses our skin
And we erase all our sins
Together
We can win
This battle
Win this game
Without shame
Without fear
Without ever again
Shedding a tear
Out of sadness
Or madness.
Where we can look
Ahead with joy…
And excitement…
Oh, the enticement
Of a new chapter
In the Book Of Us.”

HOLY. SHIT.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

I checked my horoscope once I got to work.

My boss – the big wig from corporate- came out today for the monthly board meeting. We were talking about my children…

“I mean, it’s incredible to watch any child learn and grow, but to have TWINS… they get to learn and GROW TOGETHER. And it is such an honor and a blessing to be a part of.”

His response to me was, “Stay tuned. The best is yet to come.”

Stay tuned?? Who says that? ….Stay tuned. The best is yet to come….

When I got home from work I walked into my house and heard my husband and mother-in-law upstairs with the kids. As they came down the stairs, their conversation resonated with me.

Lance: “Moms home! Moms coming and grandmas going. It’s a win-wi….It’s a trade!”
MIL: “Yea! Something good leaves and something good comes. It’s an open window.”

And after she left and we (husband, children, self) were all upstairs my husband made a strange remark, “I need to start writing things down. If I don’t write stuff down, I forget it.” Again this resonated with me.

Before dinner, my barnacle child was being whiney, so I scooped him up, plopped him on my hip and started singing a Disney Song (Little Mermaid was the Go-To Fix for quite some time). We danced around the kitchen and I sang.

Oh how nice. When is the last time I’ve done this? What am I even singing? 

- - - - - - - - - -

JANUARY 15, 2016

And my daily note from the Universe

Today. Today’s the day. I’m finishing it today.

When I got to work, as I was making my coffee, a co-worker from the other building comes into the office.

“Girl, I gotta tell you – I’m totally hating on you and how skinny you are. I’m having such a hard time losing weight right now.”

“Dude, start manifesting. Just start saying ‘I AM’. ‘I AM getting thinner every day’. Not ‘I’m GOING TO, because then you will manifest being in a perpetual state of ‘later’, not now. Shit you not that’s how I lost weight this time. I just started saying ‘I AM’. I mean, then that spurred me to start making better food and exercise choices, but even after I took a break from that over the holidays I kept affirming and it kept manifesting. People think I’m crazy, but whatever – it works.”

“Imma try that!”

[[Unmemorable small talk]]

“But yea, girl, you look good.”

“Thank you!”

“And not just skinny. You’re glowing. You look really, really good.”

- - - - - - - - - -

Manifest.

Manifesting.

Synchronicities. Patience. Faith. Trust. Know. Allow. Be Still.

I’m sitting here inside insanity and I’ve never seen more clearly in my life.

I have no tangible evidence to confirm my suspicions knowing. As a matter of fact, the only tangible proof I have ‘validates’ the exact opposite of what I suspect. But I don’t need tangible. I have palpable. The song of my heart is more than enough palpable proof.

And if we have managed to come together ONLY through our heart palpations - Only through being true to ourselves, manifesting, trusting, and being led by faith, then by golly my friends, have I we got a story to share with you.

Whatever may come of this – healing, closure, learned lessons, growth OR the unfolding of the most epic tale of time, a love story greater than anything I could have ever fathomed on my own, I am at peace knowing that I have spoken my truth with the intent for the highest greatest good for all.

“Stay tuned. The best is yet to come.”

Oh, the enticement of a new chapter in the Book of Us.

0 Comments

Herro, It's Me...

2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back

Head Full of Seeds

Attitude of Gratitude - Determine Your Own Latitude!

And now onto today's VLOG!

Adventures in VLOGging//Find Comfort in feeling Uncomfortable

Lost Then Found//Almost Home//STASIS

01.17.2016 Message Service - Melissa

Noteworthy - Excerpts

Angel Numbers 1/16 - 1/18

Happenings

Missy's Closing Affirmation

The Book of US - Excerpts

Cripes Missy, those seem pretty obvious.

...and then...

Oh, the enticement of a new chapter in the Book of Us.

It Must Be a Sign - 1/13/16

Categories

Archives

Herro, It's Me...

2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back

Head Full of Seeds

Attitude of Gratitude - Determine Your Own Latitude!

And now onto today's VLOG!

Adventures in VLOGging//Find Comfort in feeling Uncomfortable

Lost Then Found//Almost Home//STASIS

01.17.2016 Message Service - Melissa

Noteworthy - Excerpts

​Angel Numbers 1/16 - 1/18

​Happenings

Missy's Closing Affirmation

The Book of US - Excerpts

Cripes Missy, those seem pretty obvious....​and then...

Oh, the enticement of a new chapter in the Book of Us.

It Must Be a Sign - 1/13/16

Categories

Archives

Angel Numbers 1/16 - 1/18

Happenings

Cripes Missy, those seem pretty obvious.

...and then...